04-29-2018, 10:46 AM
Hey SpaceDirt,
Pretty good start you have here. I'd use "sinews" instead of "fibers" when describing the heart; the use of heart is already abstract so you might as well provide it with the proper adjectives to make it more concrete. I'd also try not capitalizing the beginning letter of every line (unless of course it's the beginning of a sentence, proper noun, etc etc) so it reads with less bumps. One last thing, more specifically, I'd suggest "melancholic deluge" instead of "melancholy deluge", but reading over that whole stanza, I don't think melancholy is the word you wanna use to describe the overwhelming sadness that seems to have been felt in the moment by the N. Melancholy is sadness that's more meditative and atmospheric, usually w/o cause.
Best, Alex
Pretty good start you have here. I'd use "sinews" instead of "fibers" when describing the heart; the use of heart is already abstract so you might as well provide it with the proper adjectives to make it more concrete. I'd also try not capitalizing the beginning letter of every line (unless of course it's the beginning of a sentence, proper noun, etc etc) so it reads with less bumps. One last thing, more specifically, I'd suggest "melancholic deluge" instead of "melancholy deluge", but reading over that whole stanza, I don't think melancholy is the word you wanna use to describe the overwhelming sadness that seems to have been felt in the moment by the N. Melancholy is sadness that's more meditative and atmospheric, usually w/o cause.
Best, Alex