04-21-2018, 02:36 AM
I like the story to your poem a feel at least a small handful of people can relate to this like myself. Tho im not sure why your character is trapped in sorrow and dying? Are they depressed? Or are they sick? I think adding hints of which it is will give more of a life to your story. I also see it as one person, from their point of view. It seems they are alone. As if maybe unwanted. Cast away with others that are the same. But then you add in family. And how they are filled with sorrow that the one they loved is gone. This love it didn't exist before in the beginning of your poem. It was nowhere to be found. And after your character dies it suddenly exist? There is a pretty big jump there in your poem from one subject to another. Maybe change it up at the end or add pieces of those who care in the beginning. All in all i loved your story your poem shared. Like i said I can relate to it.