When upon your heart my eyes did lay

[Cassiopeia88]

For me, this just screams of 'trying too hard'. At some points you try to use some 'sophisticated' words and combinations, while at the same time your rhymes are forced and 'hard' like someone else has already said. I would suggest that for the start you try writing in free verse and keep it simple. Maybe some illiteration, like 'blackened and battered', I quite like that. Or just work on rhymes until you can go fully Shakesperean