When upon your heart my eyes did lay
Hiding and feeble yet calling my name
Drawn to its beauty yet broken and sharp - "drawn to its beauty, broken and sharp"
Somehow you used it’s edges to sew up my heart - maybe use a word other than "somehow". this sentence doesn't sound right.
Blackened and battered by years inhumane - instead "blackened and battered by years of pain"?
Bruised by the heartless, by the sick and depraved
Beaten down by depression a cruel trick of fate - the "cruel trick of fate" doesn't really go with the rest of the sentence here.
Wanting for love, yet filled with self-hate
But it’s not all I see when I look deep inside
I’m entranced by the beauty that you try to hide - I like this sentence! maybe expand on it more.
I see a survivor, one depression can’t beat
Someone without whom I would be incomplete - this doesn't really go here.
I see kindness and compassion despite all you’ve been through
I’m not sure I’d still be like that if I were you - this is good
You took your broken and cared for my own - broken what? cared for your what? perhaps be more specific, expand
Walking this path no longer alone
Together we’ll face whatever in the future might lay
Darkest of night, or brightest of day
Stronger together, never to part
Ever since the moment my eyes first laid upon your heart
This is pretty good, but it goes kind of fast. If you add some more between the fourth and fifth paragraph it might flow better : Good luck to you!
Hiding and feeble yet calling my name
Drawn to its beauty yet broken and sharp - "drawn to its beauty, broken and sharp"
Somehow you used it’s edges to sew up my heart - maybe use a word other than "somehow". this sentence doesn't sound right.
Blackened and battered by years inhumane - instead "blackened and battered by years of pain"?
Bruised by the heartless, by the sick and depraved
Beaten down by depression a cruel trick of fate - the "cruel trick of fate" doesn't really go with the rest of the sentence here.
Wanting for love, yet filled with self-hate
But it’s not all I see when I look deep inside
I’m entranced by the beauty that you try to hide - I like this sentence! maybe expand on it more.
I see a survivor, one depression can’t beat
Someone without whom I would be incomplete - this doesn't really go here.
I see kindness and compassion despite all you’ve been through
I’m not sure I’d still be like that if I were you - this is good
You took your broken and cared for my own - broken what? cared for your what? perhaps be more specific, expand
Walking this path no longer alone
Together we’ll face whatever in the future might lay
Darkest of night, or brightest of day
Stronger together, never to part
Ever since the moment my eyes first laid upon your heart
This is pretty good, but it goes kind of fast. If you add some more between the fourth and fifth paragraph it might flow better :
Good luck to you!