04-02-2018, 12:02 AM
Hi Erthona,
enjoyed the read.
April Fools
(I'm wondering about the plural)
Your apology lies untouched between us
like counterfeit bills proffered to pay
like rather weakens this, I think.
(a counterfeit bill, proffered payment...)
a loan: interest laden — long past due.
Yet...you pretend hurt feelings when
such often tried insincerity is rejected.
reads a little awkardly
(these often tried insincereties are rejected)
I wonder, is this an automatic response,
(perhaps switch 'automatic' and 'response' ?)
or have you finally fallen victim to your
own lies and half truths: delusional,
You ask a question here but there is no
question mark
unable to distinguish between your
repetition of 'your'
conveniently created fictions and realities.
The coin you now are forced to use
is so patently Plasticine that it obviously
I don't think you need 'that'
('patently plastic' would have better sonics)
lacks the ability to ring with anything
except absolute and abject falseness.
not sure about this couplet
I once thought that everyone possessed
intrinsic worth, but if that is so, you must
have feverishly spent yours like a child with
a roll of dimes desperately trying to win
maybe rework;
intrinsic worth, and yet if that is true
then you spent yours, feverishly, like a child
with a roll of dimes, desperate to win ?
a prize at the traveling carnival — and
the 'and', I think, is unnecessary.
we both know what the odds are of that!
I somehow loved you once, before the
can't see the point of 'somehow', nor
ending with 'the'
compounding interest on your continual
deceptions finally burned to a crisp that
'burned to a crisp' - where did this mixed
metaphor come from?
near impossibility. Yet still, you seek
to trade on that old stock, long since devalued
beyond recognition when compared to
anything of any real worth, not realizing
that your behavior, which love once
made barely tolerable, has passed
from the simply disgusting and immoral,
into the realm of pure absurdity... as have you.
There a bit too much 'ranting' here I think, and
to be honest, I don't see that the stanza adds much
to the piece. (In fact, it may well detract from it)
The final two stanza, similarly don't add much
and the feel rather repetitive.
I'd suggest ending on (S2) 'we both know the odds of that'
Though perhaps
[Now], please show yourself out
as you showed yourself in
might make a suitable ending.
Regards, Knot
enjoyed the read.
April Fools
(I'm wondering about the plural)
Your apology lies untouched between us
like counterfeit bills proffered to pay
like rather weakens this, I think.
(a counterfeit bill, proffered payment...)
a loan: interest laden — long past due.
Yet...you pretend hurt feelings when
such often tried insincerity is rejected.
reads a little awkardly
(these often tried insincereties are rejected)
I wonder, is this an automatic response,
(perhaps switch 'automatic' and 'response' ?)
or have you finally fallen victim to your
own lies and half truths: delusional,
You ask a question here but there is no
question mark
unable to distinguish between your
repetition of 'your'
conveniently created fictions and realities.
The coin you now are forced to use
is so patently Plasticine that it obviously
I don't think you need 'that'
('patently plastic' would have better sonics)
lacks the ability to ring with anything
except absolute and abject falseness.
not sure about this couplet
I once thought that everyone possessed
intrinsic worth, but if that is so, you must
have feverishly spent yours like a child with
a roll of dimes desperately trying to win
maybe rework;
intrinsic worth, and yet if that is true
then you spent yours, feverishly, like a child
with a roll of dimes, desperate to win ?
a prize at the traveling carnival — and
the 'and', I think, is unnecessary.
we both know what the odds are of that!
I somehow loved you once, before the
can't see the point of 'somehow', nor
ending with 'the'
compounding interest on your continual
deceptions finally burned to a crisp that
'burned to a crisp' - where did this mixed
metaphor come from?
near impossibility. Yet still, you seek
to trade on that old stock, long since devalued
beyond recognition when compared to
anything of any real worth, not realizing
that your behavior, which love once
made barely tolerable, has passed
from the simply disgusting and immoral,
into the realm of pure absurdity... as have you.
There a bit too much 'ranting' here I think, and
to be honest, I don't see that the stanza adds much
to the piece. (In fact, it may well detract from it)
The final two stanza, similarly don't add much
and the feel rather repetitive.
I'd suggest ending on (S2) 'we both know the odds of that'
Though perhaps
[Now], please show yourself out
as you showed yourself in
might make a suitable ending.
Regards, Knot