03-23-2018, 02:49 AM
Hi Keith,
I'll admit to being confused
(and not just by the spelling),
but I'm not unhappy about it.
I like the voice of this one.
(though maybe he's trying a bit
too hard in 2.1)
Attempted Murder
I think this might work better if
you end with 1.
2
I've just been body scanned
terminal 3, there's a shade of grey
I now call Manchester,
nice
stressed [off] my tits with knob heads
and their see through bags of make up shit.
I stood in line with my
fuck you, don't bother me music on.
No I don't have a laptop or any liquids,
yes I have removed my belt.
[Hands up] over my head [bend]
so they can see the crack of my arse
and wait to be spat into the shopping bit.
Come on Keith, 'bit' really? Even 'arcade' might suffice.
Coffee, beer and Kfc at 6:33am,
there must be a Paris flight
You've got 'flight' in the next verse,
maybe switch this to arrival/departure?
because of all the Mickey Mouse ears,
parent wearing special Tee shirts,
I think you could probably lose this line.
it's not even the real Disney.
nice
They call my [flight] and we like sheep,
bleat towards the gate, Ryan Air dogs,
(if you keep this, no comma after 'dogs')
check in all our two wheeled pull alongs.
Hey mate you're in my seat,
yes I wanted to be by the window,
no shit? so do I.
So what happens, who gets the seat?
Headphones on [again] and hud up,
'hud' ? if so the 'up' is included.
fuck off world it's Monday morning
and I'm going to work.
going 'back' to work ?
Just been told areoplane mode.
'aeroplane mode'... what?
3
Ive been stealing stale air
from our conversations
breathing it onto passers bye
to see them turn black.
They just carry on working
passers by/working?
bring back their bags and smile,
as if nothing ever happened.
totally lost with 3.
(I like it, I'm just not sure what
it is doing here)
1
We were both sitting
with guns in our mouths
I won't be the one
who jumps in the pool first
with you standing at the side
laughing, me floating
as my brain is dispersed
in cold chlorine.
unable to speak
until it's time for my flight.
Well go ahead, punk
give me a reason
to stay.
I think this make for a better ending.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
I'll admit to being confused
(and not just by the spelling),
but I'm not unhappy about it.
I like the voice of this one.
(though maybe he's trying a bit
too hard in 2.1)
Attempted Murder
I think this might work better if
you end with 1.
2
I've just been body scanned
terminal 3, there's a shade of grey
I now call Manchester,
nice
stressed [off] my tits with knob heads
and their see through bags of make up shit.
I stood in line with my
fuck you, don't bother me music on.
No I don't have a laptop or any liquids,
yes I have removed my belt.
[Hands up] over my head [bend]
so they can see the crack of my arse
and wait to be spat into the shopping bit.
Come on Keith, 'bit' really? Even 'arcade' might suffice.
Coffee, beer and Kfc at 6:33am,
there must be a Paris flight
You've got 'flight' in the next verse,
maybe switch this to arrival/departure?
because of all the Mickey Mouse ears,
parent wearing special Tee shirts,
I think you could probably lose this line.
it's not even the real Disney.
nice
They call my [flight] and we like sheep,
bleat towards the gate, Ryan Air dogs,
(if you keep this, no comma after 'dogs')
check in all our two wheeled pull alongs.
Hey mate you're in my seat,
yes I wanted to be by the window,
no shit? so do I.
So what happens, who gets the seat?
Headphones on [again] and hud up,
'hud' ? if so the 'up' is included.
fuck off world it's Monday morning
and I'm going to work.
going 'back' to work ?
Just been told areoplane mode.
'aeroplane mode'... what?
3
Ive been stealing stale air
from our conversations
breathing it onto passers bye
to see them turn black.
They just carry on working
passers by/working?
bring back their bags and smile,
as if nothing ever happened.
totally lost with 3.
(I like it, I'm just not sure what
it is doing here)
1
We were both sitting
with guns in our mouths
I won't be the one
who jumps in the pool first
with you standing at the side
laughing, me floating
as my brain is dispersed
in cold chlorine.
unable to speak
until it's time for my flight.
Well go ahead, punk
give me a reason
to stay.
I think this make for a better ending.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.