03-22-2018, 02:57 PM
Hi Keith,
Interesting read. Hope you keep going with it. Below are the thoughts I had while reading your work
1
We were both sitting
with guns in our mouths
I won't be the one
who jumps in the pool first
with you standing at the side laughing, <--- Need more background here to help make reader sympathize with the speaker. What kind of contempt would someone have to have to find a suicide laughable? Does the laughter come from nervousness or does the other person really find the situation funny?
me floating
as my brain is dispersed in cold chlorine.
So we'll sit hear at the kitchen table If they're at the kitchen table, is the pool nearby? Swimming pool, pool of blood... Which?
holding our guns,
unable to speak
until it's time for my flight. <--- "Unable to speak until it's time for my flight" implies they do end up speaking, just not until later. What gets said at that point? The speaker remarks he needs a reason to stay, but ends up going to the airport. Does that mean they never come to a resolve?
Well go ahead, punk
give me a reason
to stay.
2
I've just been body scanned
terminal 3, there's a shade of grey
I now call Manchester,
stressed of my tits with knob heads
and their see through bags of make up shit.
I stood in line with my
fuck you, don't bother me music on.
No I don't have a laptop or any liquids,
yes I have removed my belt. <--- These details don't contribute to deeper meaning of the poem, and they don't contribute to driving the story forward. Maybe omit, and use the lines to get more into the head of the speaker. Make readers care about his agitation. Otherwise, the speaker just seems like a jerk and readers will hope he gets whatever bad karma is coming to him, which makes for a flat character.
I put my hands over my head
so they can see the crack of my arse
and wait to be spat into the shopping bit. <---- OMIT
Coffee, beer and Kfc at 6:33am,
there must be a Paris flight
because of all the Mickey Mouse ears,
parent wearing special Tee shirts,
it's not even the real Disney. <--- Here, you make arbitrarily assign value to the "real" Disney and assert its superiority over Euro Disney by being dismissive of the possibility visitors to Paris Disney might have thought that site was just as good as visiting Anaheim Disney. The speaker conflates "real" with "better," but nothing about that seems consistent with his prior actions or beliefs about the virtue of authenticity. Does the speaker really have contempt for these Disney visitors because they didn't go to the OG Disney, or is he using that write-off as a way of masking his feelings about not sharing in such a seemingly joyous occasion. Either way, this guy has a perpetual chip on his shoulder, but as a reader, I still have no emotional investment in his happiness. I'm left feeling apathetic about his internal struggles.
They call my fight and we like sheep,
bleat towards the gate, Ryan Air dogs, <--- Personal aside, but you just can't expect much from an airline whose passengers clap every time the flight lands safely lol
check in all our two wheeled pull alongs.
Hey mate you're in my seat,
yes I wanted to be by the window, <--- lack of punctuation distracts from reading the conversation.
no shit? so do I.
Headphones on and hud up,
fuck off world it's Monday morning
and I'm going to work.
Just been told areoplane mode.
3
Ive been stealing stale air
from our conversations <--- These are the most traditionally "poetic" lines in the whole poem, in my opinion.
breathing it onto passers bye <--- "passerby" is both the singular and plural of this word.
to see them turn black.
They just carry on working <--- Should readers assume "they" refers to the passerby in the last stanza?
bring back their bags and smile,
as if nothing ever happened.
Interesting read. Hope you keep going with it. Below are the thoughts I had while reading your work
1
We were both sitting
with guns in our mouths
I won't be the one
who jumps in the pool first
with you standing at the side laughing, <--- Need more background here to help make reader sympathize with the speaker. What kind of contempt would someone have to have to find a suicide laughable? Does the laughter come from nervousness or does the other person really find the situation funny?
me floating
as my brain is dispersed in cold chlorine.
So we'll sit hear at the kitchen table If they're at the kitchen table, is the pool nearby? Swimming pool, pool of blood... Which?
holding our guns,
unable to speak
until it's time for my flight. <--- "Unable to speak until it's time for my flight" implies they do end up speaking, just not until later. What gets said at that point? The speaker remarks he needs a reason to stay, but ends up going to the airport. Does that mean they never come to a resolve?
Well go ahead, punk
give me a reason
to stay.
2
I've just been body scanned
terminal 3, there's a shade of grey
I now call Manchester,
stressed of my tits with knob heads
and their see through bags of make up shit.
I stood in line with my
fuck you, don't bother me music on.
No I don't have a laptop or any liquids,
yes I have removed my belt. <--- These details don't contribute to deeper meaning of the poem, and they don't contribute to driving the story forward. Maybe omit, and use the lines to get more into the head of the speaker. Make readers care about his agitation. Otherwise, the speaker just seems like a jerk and readers will hope he gets whatever bad karma is coming to him, which makes for a flat character.
I put my hands over my head
so they can see the crack of my arse
and wait to be spat into the shopping bit. <---- OMIT
Coffee, beer and Kfc at 6:33am,
there must be a Paris flight
because of all the Mickey Mouse ears,
parent wearing special Tee shirts,
it's not even the real Disney. <--- Here, you make arbitrarily assign value to the "real" Disney and assert its superiority over Euro Disney by being dismissive of the possibility visitors to Paris Disney might have thought that site was just as good as visiting Anaheim Disney. The speaker conflates "real" with "better," but nothing about that seems consistent with his prior actions or beliefs about the virtue of authenticity. Does the speaker really have contempt for these Disney visitors because they didn't go to the OG Disney, or is he using that write-off as a way of masking his feelings about not sharing in such a seemingly joyous occasion. Either way, this guy has a perpetual chip on his shoulder, but as a reader, I still have no emotional investment in his happiness. I'm left feeling apathetic about his internal struggles.
They call my fight and we like sheep,
bleat towards the gate, Ryan Air dogs, <--- Personal aside, but you just can't expect much from an airline whose passengers clap every time the flight lands safely lol
check in all our two wheeled pull alongs.
Hey mate you're in my seat,
yes I wanted to be by the window, <--- lack of punctuation distracts from reading the conversation.
no shit? so do I.
Headphones on and hud up,
fuck off world it's Monday morning
and I'm going to work.
Just been told areoplane mode.
3
Ive been stealing stale air
from our conversations <--- These are the most traditionally "poetic" lines in the whole poem, in my opinion.
breathing it onto passers bye <--- "passerby" is both the singular and plural of this word.
to see them turn black.
They just carry on working <--- Should readers assume "they" refers to the passerby in the last stanza?
bring back their bags and smile,
as if nothing ever happened.