just a moment

[Todd]

Hi Frank, 

Welcome to the site! When I finish reading a poem, I always ask myself am I going to want to read this again. The poem can be written well even, but if it doesn't pull me back there's something crucial missing. I think that's where I am with your piece here. I like the structure but since the "moment" sits with me as something vague, it doesn't end up having any staying power. I think a reworked title might help you. Consider "Their Sex Life" by A.R. Ammons as something deliberately constructed as this is but with a title that makes you reflect on the subject matter again and again--retitle that poem "Failures" and see where it goes. Here's a link: https://allpoetry.com/Their-Sex-Life.

This is less me saying: Oh, I don't like how you executed this line and more, and more me saying this poem is like eating cotton candy (or candy floss for those on the other side of the pond), it looks interesting but there's nothing to cling to or come back to--if that makes sense.

I'm not sure how helpful those comments will be to you but I hope they are.

Best,

Todd

of this
you can be clear
that moment
was
a moment

I saw it
in the distance

I saw it
as it came closer

I saw it
as I lived it

I can see it
fading
out of sight
as I shade my eyes
to look ahead
into the blazing sun

that moment

what a moment

I saw it

now
it’s gone

~

apology - title change - I had intended posting a different piece and left the incorrect title when I changed my mind.