just a moment

[20_Hamilton_18]

Hey, left you a few thoughts below in the body of your text. A few thoughts at the beginning is that this suffers due to structure, lineation and enjambment. Beyond what the poem is actually trying to say, I just don’t think it reads with any rhythm or flow. It needs you to really sit down, read aloud and then refocus on creating a moment for the reader to share with the narrator.
 
Hope there is something of use for you
Johnny
 
of this
you can be clear
that moment
was
a moment

You start off with an abstraction. The moment that was a moment has no physical existence to the reader, you’re telling rather than showing.

I saw it
in the distance


What did you see in the distance? Can you describe it to the reader? Give them something more tangible.
I saw it
as it came closer

I saw it
as I lived it

Taking these two together, the reader needs to see it coming closer to them, the reader needs to live it, otherwise what’s the point in me reading?

I can see it
fading
out of sight
as I shade my eyes
to look ahead
into the blazing sun


Again, the piece suffers from a lack of the tangible. Moreover, blazing sun falls into the realms of cliché.

that moment

what a moment

Had you taken time to really give the reader evidence of the moment at the beginning you could of got away with the use of abstraction again.

I saw it

now
it’s gone