03-12-2018, 08:14 PM
Just a few thoughts for you to work with. More observations than anything else.
On your first post I saw the reasoning behind the central indentation of the piece it served a purpose. In this instance it seems arbitrary and fails to add anything. It’s your work, but for me unless it’s there to add something, what’s the point?
Lack of punctuation throughout doesn’t help with the clarity of the piece. I like the lineation but the enjambment is over used throughout. On this and partially caused by it, but I find some of the word choices and their arrangement to be negatively impacting upon the ebb and flow of the piece.
Finally, I think there needs to be more clarity in terms of what the piece is about. I’m not saying spoon feed the reader, but there has to be some clues for the reader, otherwise what purpose does this piece serve? What is the N. trying to convey to the reader?
Hope there is something in there for you to work with
Johnny
On your first post I saw the reasoning behind the central indentation of the piece it served a purpose. In this instance it seems arbitrary and fails to add anything. It’s your work, but for me unless it’s there to add something, what’s the point?
Lack of punctuation throughout doesn’t help with the clarity of the piece. I like the lineation but the enjambment is over used throughout. On this and partially caused by it, but I find some of the word choices and their arrangement to be negatively impacting upon the ebb and flow of the piece.
Finally, I think there needs to be more clarity in terms of what the piece is about. I’m not saying spoon feed the reader, but there has to be some clues for the reader, otherwise what purpose does this piece serve? What is the N. trying to convey to the reader?
Hope there is something in there for you to work with
Johnny