Lumps in the Mousse

[tectak]

Lumps in the Mousse                                      Great title, a catcher.


God added the black too quick                           is black a metaphor?
or failed to stir correctly.                                     the speaker is confused
Most bits flow smooth,
some get stuck in the past.                                 these two lines are great.

(too many funerals this year,
too many failures this month)                              i like how these bits swirl around, separate

He needs the blender                                          
with the long blades.                                            i love this right here! hahahaha
I need another pack of cream,
a white girl who knows how to dance.                  great two-line metaphor



hahaha I like this little poem.
Speaks a lot to me.
It sparkles in given personality.
It also reminded me of my mom's proud cream-of-wheat.
She was challenged, even to make a simple dish on most days.
She made it once with lumps, and felt defeated. Tears welled up.
But I loved the lumps and told her so.
Her cream of wheat was never bad.

-nibbed

Nibbed...not a red pen but a purple-pen suggestion. Why not crit with crit and post with poetry? Your crit deserves crit...it is almosr poetry.
Mod (you know who)

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Lumps in the Mousse

God added the black too quick...got an issue with quick...should it not be quickly?
or failed to stir correctly....I like advice to god but you give him an out with "or". Deliberate?
Most bits flow smooth,
some get stuck in the past....not sure of meaning here. I think the metaphor is mixed...or rather, not mixed.

(too many funerals this year,
too many failures this month)....easy now. This would be a cliche for us all at some point

He needs the blender
with the long blades.
I need another pack of cream:....pack of cream? Where is this? Tub, pint, jug, cup....but pack? 
a white girl who knows how to dance....I don't need to understand what this means, I just like it for what I think it means...we have a saying...as rare as rockin' horse shit....

God added the black too quick
or failed to stir correctly.
Most bits flow smooth,
some get stuck in the past.

(too many funerals this year,
too many failures this month)

He needs the blender
with the long blades.
I need another pack of cream,
a white girl who knows how to dance.

Love it...maybe I am reading it wrong but the hell, I read, you write. Let's call it quits