03-02-2018, 11:29 AM
Hey vagabond,
I like some of the images in here. I do have some suggestions though:
Cheers,
Richard
I like some of the images in here. I do have some suggestions though:
(02-23-2018, 08:55 AM)vagabond Wrote: about the question (edit leanne, tiger)Overall, I think you're going in the right direction, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
the old lady has alzheimer´s and she said To me, saying the woman has alzheimer's is too on the nose, so I don't think it needs to be mentioned. May be it could be hinted at more so than directly said? Just a thought.
about seventy years ago there was a field -May be consider starting with this line. It sets up the poem just as well as the current first line.
in czechoslovakia, maybe not only there and not only then.
it might have grown wheat in summer
but one late autumn day -I like the use of the seasons here because this poem is somewhat dealing with the idea of time. Would it be possible to work winter in some how? I ask because the woman in the poem is elderly.
the earth produced hands and arms,
digging to reach the sky -I like this image of the bodies in the ground. Your wording here makes the image work for me.
and its air -
then still. -I think this line could work just as well as the ending because the stillness refers back to image of the earth, but could also refer to the woman passing away.
and still she seems waiting for answers. -Another option could be to replace this last line with something that could hint back to the woman's alzheimer's? May be experiment with her uncertainty of where or when she was seeing such a sight.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.

