02-24-2018, 04:34 AM
Hi vagabond,
simple/understated and effective, nicely done.
For me the first line is weak, what has Alzheimer's
to do with what happened in that field?
As is the phrase 'then still', I think you need
something a bit more botanical/agricultural.
If she's 'waiting for answers', perhaps have her
ask a question in the first line? Not too sure
about it being implied by the title (or the two 'abouts')
Just a suggestion:
the old lady has alzheimer´s and she said
about seventy years ago there was a field
in Czechoslovakia - maybe not only there
and not only then - [that] might have produced grain
in summer but one late autumn day it grew arms,
digging to reach the sky and its [the] air - then still.
and still, she seems waiting for answers.
[My grandmother asked me if I knew
how such a thing could happen]
Best, Knot.
simple/understated and effective, nicely done.
For me the first line is weak, what has Alzheimer's
to do with what happened in that field?
As is the phrase 'then still', I think you need
something a bit more botanical/agricultural.
If she's 'waiting for answers', perhaps have her
ask a question in the first line? Not too sure
about it being implied by the title (or the two 'abouts')
Just a suggestion:
the old lady has alzheimer´s and she said
about seventy years ago there was a field
in Czechoslovakia - maybe not only there
and not only then - [that] might have produced grain
in summer but one late autumn day it grew arms,
digging to reach the sky and its [the] air - then still.
and still, she seems waiting for answers.
[My grandmother asked me if I knew
how such a thing could happen]
Best, Knot.

