02-22-2018, 01:21 AM
Hi and welcome here!
Daily Musings Maybe make the title connected a bit more to the poem. Daily Moosings?
Do you think she knows
sat there in the grass this is improper English, maybe: sitting there in the grass
that when the day is done
she'll get kicked out on her arse? no rhyme or reason here, arse is over-used and unpoetic, not cute
if you could rhyme rump in here, that might work better
Charitably she gives
life's liquid bequest to her,
and yet she's told she's lucky
to be kept in such fine fur! I'm not sure cows have fur...
Do you think this mother knows
her young calf will soon be gone, this is rather sad
and who's the one to tell her
to she it shan't belong?
Do you think she knows a repeat here is not consistent
that fine cow upon the meadow
that what should have been a gift to her two thats is rough here
has now become her shackles. lazy rhyme, work on meadow and shackles.
Sometimes it is helpful to put poems into draft form before publishing them here. You can push the Save as Draft button, instead of Post Thread and it gives you an opportunity to really work on the poem. This helps me, anyway. Then I go over it and over it until I think I have removed all grammatical errors, problems with rhyme or meter. After I have searched/critiqued my own poem thoroughly I post it here for more help. I hope that helps. It sounds like you have a poem with much to say, one that holds a lot of emotion! Poor mama cow! I am curious to see what happens to the cow or if she has adventures, maybe finds an escape? This might be the start of something epic with poems that follow. Keep working on it!
-nibbed
Daily Musings Maybe make the title connected a bit more to the poem. Daily Moosings?
Do you think she knows
sat there in the grass this is improper English, maybe: sitting there in the grass
that when the day is done
she'll get kicked out on her arse? no rhyme or reason here, arse is over-used and unpoetic, not cute
if you could rhyme rump in here, that might work better
Charitably she gives
life's liquid bequest to her,
and yet she's told she's lucky
to be kept in such fine fur! I'm not sure cows have fur...
Do you think this mother knows
her young calf will soon be gone, this is rather sad
and who's the one to tell her
to she it shan't belong?
Do you think she knows a repeat here is not consistent
that fine cow upon the meadow
that what should have been a gift to her two thats is rough here
has now become her shackles. lazy rhyme, work on meadow and shackles.
Sometimes it is helpful to put poems into draft form before publishing them here. You can push the Save as Draft button, instead of Post Thread and it gives you an opportunity to really work on the poem. This helps me, anyway. Then I go over it and over it until I think I have removed all grammatical errors, problems with rhyme or meter. After I have searched/critiqued my own poem thoroughly I post it here for more help. I hope that helps. It sounds like you have a poem with much to say, one that holds a lot of emotion! Poor mama cow! I am curious to see what happens to the cow or if she has adventures, maybe finds an escape? This might be the start of something epic with poems that follow. Keep working on it!
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love