02-21-2018, 02:02 PM
Hi Rit,
I think the originality of your poem, being a poem about a critique of a poem, or in short a poem about a poem, was clever. It started very well but somewhere in the middle you seemed to struggle to maintain the crispness of the opening and, by the end it was definitely too loose, not tight, almost falling apart.
Although I liked the opening of the poem I didn't like the title, because rejection notices are form letters, and nothing like the poem. Why not just start with "This is a good poem." as a title?
I was ok with everything, enjoying the tongue-in-cheek playfulness, until you go to the line "Has an affable old guy sort of personality." I'm not sure this line is even necessary. But, aside from that, in the classic discussion over whether poems are doing enough showing versus enough telling, the opening of this poem is heavily weighted to "telling" with very little "showing", and I think you can only do that for so long before your reader will be unhappy if you don't start "showing" at some point. Maybe other readers will have a different line where their personal tolerance runs out, but for me it was this line. I needed you to shift into an intense "showing" mode starting with this line to make the poem continue to work for me. "affable old guy sort of personality" is very much in the "telling" not "showing" column. The next line has similar problems: "The instant you see it you start getting good vibes." - once again, "telling" not "showing". What are "getting good vibes?"
I think the furthest you can go in the heavy "telling" mode you start the poem in is "Somewhat conservative on social issues." and you need to have a stanza break after that line, and the next stanza needs to be very much in the "showing" column. If you wanted, you could get rid of the two lines I'm complaining about entirely and start the second stanza with:
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sipping without a sound - most British. <-- minor note I corrected to only 2 p's in "sipping"
This is acceptably in the "showing" column. And then I think you're fine until the line "enjambing over your awkwardness." I'm cringing at the use of the word "enjambing" here. This word is too self-consciously poetic. Everything else that you've written before this word is language that could reasonably have been used in normal, everyday speech to describe a person, a sort of British-style gentleman, as well as a poem, but people simply don't describe British-style gentlemen as "enjambing" in everyday speech. In fact, "enjambing" is not a word, or at least a common word, in English. Dictionary.com showed no results for "enjamb" or "enjambing". The word "enjamber" is a French word - not English - and that's probably the closest you're going to get except for, of course, "enjambment" or "enjambed", but both of those words only refer to poetry. This is why the word "enjambing" doesn't work for me - it is a made up, self-consciously poetic word.
I think you need to be a lot more subtle and try "straddling" instead of "enjambling" The root word of enjambment means "to straddle" so some careful readers should still be able to get to "enjambment" from the word "straddling", and "straddling" is comfortable and unforced, so in my opinion it's clearly a better choice.
I would get rid of the line "It realizes you don't want details." - again this is way too far in the "telling" column and you used all your "telling" goodwill in the first stanza. Then I would end the poem with the line "For an instant you think it is talking about you." That's a strong and interesting ending. Plus, everything after that just doesn't quite work and detracts from the poem. So my suggested revision would be:
This is a good poem.
It speaks sparingly,
and only on matters of great import,
with well chosen words.
It doesn't carry over, or under.
You relate to it on a subconscious level.
Your subconscious relates to it on a subconscious level.
It comes from a good family.
An obedient son, caring parent,
loving husband. Or at least dutiful.
Somewhat conservative on social issues.
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sipping without a sound - most British.
It inclines its head as it passes you on the street,
acknowledging your existence, but not
straddling over your awkwardness.
It pats your dog on the head, calls him “a good boy”.
For an instant you think it is talking about you.
I think the originality of your poem, being a poem about a critique of a poem, or in short a poem about a poem, was clever. It started very well but somewhere in the middle you seemed to struggle to maintain the crispness of the opening and, by the end it was definitely too loose, not tight, almost falling apart.
Although I liked the opening of the poem I didn't like the title, because rejection notices are form letters, and nothing like the poem. Why not just start with "This is a good poem." as a title?
I was ok with everything, enjoying the tongue-in-cheek playfulness, until you go to the line "Has an affable old guy sort of personality." I'm not sure this line is even necessary. But, aside from that, in the classic discussion over whether poems are doing enough showing versus enough telling, the opening of this poem is heavily weighted to "telling" with very little "showing", and I think you can only do that for so long before your reader will be unhappy if you don't start "showing" at some point. Maybe other readers will have a different line where their personal tolerance runs out, but for me it was this line. I needed you to shift into an intense "showing" mode starting with this line to make the poem continue to work for me. "affable old guy sort of personality" is very much in the "telling" not "showing" column. The next line has similar problems: "The instant you see it you start getting good vibes." - once again, "telling" not "showing". What are "getting good vibes?"
I think the furthest you can go in the heavy "telling" mode you start the poem in is "Somewhat conservative on social issues." and you need to have a stanza break after that line, and the next stanza needs to be very much in the "showing" column. If you wanted, you could get rid of the two lines I'm complaining about entirely and start the second stanza with:
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sipping without a sound - most British. <-- minor note I corrected to only 2 p's in "sipping"
This is acceptably in the "showing" column. And then I think you're fine until the line "enjambing over your awkwardness." I'm cringing at the use of the word "enjambing" here. This word is too self-consciously poetic. Everything else that you've written before this word is language that could reasonably have been used in normal, everyday speech to describe a person, a sort of British-style gentleman, as well as a poem, but people simply don't describe British-style gentlemen as "enjambing" in everyday speech. In fact, "enjambing" is not a word, or at least a common word, in English. Dictionary.com showed no results for "enjamb" or "enjambing". The word "enjamber" is a French word - not English - and that's probably the closest you're going to get except for, of course, "enjambment" or "enjambed", but both of those words only refer to poetry. This is why the word "enjambing" doesn't work for me - it is a made up, self-consciously poetic word.
I think you need to be a lot more subtle and try "straddling" instead of "enjambling" The root word of enjambment means "to straddle" so some careful readers should still be able to get to "enjambment" from the word "straddling", and "straddling" is comfortable and unforced, so in my opinion it's clearly a better choice.
I would get rid of the line "It realizes you don't want details." - again this is way too far in the "telling" column and you used all your "telling" goodwill in the first stanza. Then I would end the poem with the line "For an instant you think it is talking about you." That's a strong and interesting ending. Plus, everything after that just doesn't quite work and detracts from the poem. So my suggested revision would be:
This is a good poem.
It speaks sparingly,
and only on matters of great import,
with well chosen words.
It doesn't carry over, or under.
You relate to it on a subconscious level.
Your subconscious relates to it on a subconscious level.
It comes from a good family.
An obedient son, caring parent,
loving husband. Or at least dutiful.
Somewhat conservative on social issues.
It says “thank you” when you offer it tea,
and accepts the proffered cup gingerly,
sipping without a sound - most British.
It inclines its head as it passes you on the street,
acknowledging your existence, but not
straddling over your awkwardness.
It pats your dog on the head, calls him “a good boy”.
For an instant you think it is talking about you.