02-19-2018, 02:50 PM
Hi Kaily!
You have some terrific ideas and imagery here. I love the title and the tone. There are places I think you've gotten wordy that, if tightened, could improve readability without sacrificing your intent or impact.
For example, the first part of the poem reads as follows:
Why do you sit there and judge me for being a loner
When the only time i feel lonely is around you.
You who bring me down because if its me, its not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because it's easier to punish me, if you think i deserve it.
You taught me that if so many people hate me there must be a reason
That there is something wrong with me.
That i deserve it.
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, i want to cry,
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday i try to repent so tomorrow will change,
Because I dont want to keep living for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day, I should have already ended it.
If I were to tighten/polish this, I'd do it as such:
Why do you sit and judge me for being lonely
When the only time i feel lonely is around you?
You who bring me down because I'm not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because punishment is easier if you think i deserve it.
You tell me so many people hate me there must be a reason
There is something wrong with me.
That I deserve it.
Harsh words and actions brought me down.
So when you told me I'm pretty, I wanted to cry,
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday I try to repent so tomorrow will be different,
I dont want to live for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day...should I already have ended this?
----------------
Also, if it were me I might allude to the "Garbage people" aspect sooner rather than delaying it towards the middle/end segment.
Lots of potential here!
You have some terrific ideas and imagery here. I love the title and the tone. There are places I think you've gotten wordy that, if tightened, could improve readability without sacrificing your intent or impact.
For example, the first part of the poem reads as follows:
Why do you sit there and judge me for being a loner
When the only time i feel lonely is around you.
You who bring me down because if its me, its not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because it's easier to punish me, if you think i deserve it.
You taught me that if so many people hate me there must be a reason
That there is something wrong with me.
That i deserve it.
So many comments and punishments brought me down.
So that when you i'm told i am pretty, i want to cry,
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday i try to repent so tomorrow will change,
Because I dont want to keep living for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day, I should have already ended it.
If I were to tighten/polish this, I'd do it as such:
Why do you sit and judge me for being lonely
When the only time i feel lonely is around you?
You who bring me down because I'm not you.
You who judge me before you know me.
Because punishment is easier if you think i deserve it.
You tell me so many people hate me there must be a reason
There is something wrong with me.
That I deserve it.
Harsh words and actions brought me down.
So when you told me I'm pretty, I wanted to cry,
Because all it did was remind me that i wasn't.
Everyday I try to repent so tomorrow will be different,
I dont want to live for a tomorrow that will always be a yesterday.
I regret every day...should I already have ended this?
----------------
Also, if it were me I might allude to the "Garbage people" aspect sooner rather than delaying it towards the middle/end segment.
Lots of potential here!