Musings at the Eve of Noon

[Richard]

Hey Writerbyfire,
I like some of your wording here. I do have some suggestions though:

Musings at the Eve of Noon -This title could have stronger symbolic meaning to it, if you wanted. May be change it to something like "Musings in Late Afternoon"? Just a thought.

I met a female amid a grassy yard at 11:45 on Tuesday.
Female for example, because I couldn't quite tell if she was a girl or woman. -I found this line a bit on the creepy side. To be honest, I would suggest dropping this stanza and starting at the next one. I get that these details seem important to the stream of the speaker's consciousness. Others might disagree, but I just don't find these two lines add much to the poem.

Her blackbrown hair stands in contrast with the world around her
She looks maybe 18 21 or    28 with that oldyoung sort of quality -Is "oldyoung" together on purpose?
                                                               [that shifts along the shadows of the face.]
Her eyes are greyblue like a sky with a sun bursting from their center
                         like clearest day but [blinding enough to prevent the seeing past them.] -I sort of get what you're going for here with the brackets. I would suggest using line breaks instead because I found the bracketing distracting from the meaning of what you're saying.
Shes wearing a dark purple turtleneck
                                       her favorite perhaps
And black jeans that hug her warmly at the Hip -Why is "Hip" capitalized? I noticed that there's some other words capitalized throughout the poem, but hip seems like a strange choice to me.
About her is a vigor that i havent seen for 7 years

-- -- -- [The last breath of morning wind brushes past me.] -I like the image in this line, and it works well with the imagery of the rest of the poem. I would suggest dropping the brackets and just leave it as a one line stanza. That would give it the emphasis it needs.

I wonder what she knows of Sex
Does she like girls or Men or boys or Women or both or inbetween
              or all at once!
I wonder if she likes it Hard     from behind or
Would she prefer to be treated like a virgin flower
With all that love and romance and candles the     fluff between the panting
                         i guess that might be nice again
                                      for a little while
Or does she even think of sex     perhaps it doesn't interest her
                          women don't muse on this like men
            but
                          the twentyfirst century! -Again, is "twentyfirst" together on purpose?
Maybe all she thinks of it is from those books with that Fabian male on the cover -I wonder how it would affect your poem if you made this stanza the first stanza? It just seems like the speaker is so interested in sex, that you might as well start there. Just a thought.

                                                    ...

I wonder if she minds about the size of a mans penis
              i shouldn't think of that!

-- -- -- [Some sharp pang tickles up my thigh into my chest.] -This gave me the impression that the speaker was either having some sort of heart attack or some sort of medical condition. Was that your intention?

Is she kind or would she not give the time to consider me
I wonder what she likes or
                                      all those other boring thingsyouaskaboutwhenyoufirststartdating -I actually like what you did with the words here. However, I think it takes some emphasis away from this because you did it earlier in other parts of the poem. I would separate those words and keep it here.
Would my interests interest her
What are her friends like
                           are they just as attractive
Would they like me or would i like them or
Does she even have them or
              does she hide herself away in a sadsortofquiet
              what does she do when i'm not there
Was she brought up christian and is she still or
Is she Heathen and what made her so
Was it a long journey through the grim and grime like me or does she rather just not bother
                         about god and things like that
             ...         would she share that if i asked? -Others might disagree, but shifting from the sexual thoughts to religion seems a bit drastic to me. I guess I would be interested in knowing why the speaker starts thinking about religion here, so may be you should explore it more.

-- -- -- [The almost noon sun hits my eye and ends my musings.]

It was just a single moment while I passed; that left me none the wiser. -For me, "none the wiser" is close to a cliche.
So I drove home to my wife, at noon on Tuesday, and wrote a poem about her. -I like this last line. It is an effective twist to end on.



So it's been a very long time since I've written a poem and never one quite like this. Given that it's of a very personal nature I'm wondering what comes through and if the meaning is conveyed well enough and I guess if it even says something significant enough for the interest of the audience. I'm also concerned about the form. I'm wondering if it loses too much "poetic elegance" in the attempt at stream of consciousness. Any thoughts you have will be appreciated. You can't be too harsh.

I hope some of what I said was helpful, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Cheers,
Richard