First Edit: Late Night Blues

[nibbed]

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late.
Breath stinking of lipstick,
buttons done wrong and missing,
his feet move gently
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.

He smells his lover on his fingers,
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
then he imagines

her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily.
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.

howdy richard
I was troubled by the subject matter
so i didn't reply at first,
but you've worked so hard....just few things:



Late Night Blues                                                          I'm not sure the title fits for this piece

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late.        
Breath stinking of lipstick,
buttons done wrong and missing,                               - great line, buttons. has a Buttons the Clown feel to it. ha
his feet move gently                                                    -I think feet needs an adjective, though
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.                                                         -even in clown shoes?                                           

He smells his lover on his fingers,                                 
she has the scent of stardust                                        -stardust seems sad to me, the saddest part, really
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.

He lies down next to his wife,                                        -carefully
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,                        -really good, but i am confused
then he imagines                                                           as to whose eyes are closed tight
                                                                                     is that on purpose?
her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily.                        -a clue                     
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class.                                    -long close love

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath                                   -i'm not sure ready is the right word
from an audience ready to judge.



a risky
weird poem, sad,
but has been nicely shapened-up
through edits
could make a strong metaphor
to strange idolatry
It lacked the part about indulgences
or waiver of judgement
but likely they've been paid
in one way or another


-nibbed