First Edit: Late Night Blues

[tectak]

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late.
Breath stinking of lipstick,
buttons done wrong and missing,
his feet move gently
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.

He smells his lover on his fingers,
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
then he imagines

her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily.
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.

I like this but it falls just short of amazing for me. It seems like he has an otherworldly experience in cheating on his wife. "Scent of stardust and other faraway bodies" sound like sweet reminiscence which you juxtapose with suicidal ideations or just a fortuitous death at the end which is a quantum leap I could't make.

Rave...this crit comes dangerously close to no crit at all....so what's not to like? Well would THIS be acceptable to you, even in Mild. Come on...play fair. Mod.

---

This is commitment verse and no mistake. You carry the thematic load right to the end and for that reason you only leave crumbs for a crit BUT there are crumbs. 

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late. Semi-colon, here. See next line comment. This FIRST line has a stamp of authority in terms of rhythm yet as soon as the second line comes a realisation that it was all in the mind of the reader. That the metre collapses like a quantum wave function only says to me that the piece is not going to be anything but prose. In many ways, you are off the hook because anything goes from now on. You may as well write it out as a story. Is that bad...after all, this is in Mild? 
Breath stinking of lipstick, Not a manly possibility...I have seen women with lipstick on their teeth but unless our man has been eating the stuff I just do not get it. Are you sure it wasn't just from his lips? And just how close were you to him? "Breath stinking, lipstick-lipped"...maybe. Your poem.
buttons done wrong and missing, "done wrong "is wrongly done...er...it should be "wrongly done". PERIOD at the end of this line for a lot of reasons, see the semi-colon suggestion line 1  
his feet move gently Start with this as a sentence. It is a new and separate observation. Comma at line end.
like a tightrope walker who long lost "...who long ago had  lost his fear of falling." This is pedantic, I know. 
any fear of falling.

He smells his lover on his fingers,Period but arguable. The pause so introduced is, though, worth the grammar.
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.Strangely compelling but awkwardly phrased. I cannot put my finger on it but obviously, the character has. As for the hinted metaphor I am embarrassed by  my lack of knowledge regarding the odiferous nature of stardust and Uranus.  ...in other words, it does not, for me, clarify... particularly as "he" doesn't know...but pretends "he" does...so who does know?

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
then he imagines Good but could be better...but good. "eyes closed tight as",  perhaps...or  "eyes tight-closed as...", but not just "...eyes tight".

her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily. You do, of course, mean flUorescent... Florescent has a COMPLETELY  different meaning. As for this stanza, sub-thinking is difficult to pull off unless skillfully applied. Because you are inside the character's head ( you know what he is smelling and you know that he pretends) I get to accept this situation. Then without warning you, as the narrator, also appear to have have knowledge a priori concerning the work-place environment of the character? I did not know that. Tell me more....or don't mention it at all unless relevant... which it appears not to be.
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class. Hmmm. Puzzling to the point of intriguing. It makes sense if not scent....a very odd metaphorical allusion. Again, this seems to throw me off the...er...scent, so to speak. I have lipstick, stardust, soap and something indescribably chronological in the air. A bath, I feel, is needed.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.Nice. Very nice indeed. There IS a supersonic leap to get here which has left a vapour trail 'twixt this and the last stanza...but it is fading into nothingness very quickly. I do believe this piece needs another penultimate stanza.



Best, I can do, richard. Concept-wise you gave it a good grubbing but it is rather sparce contextually. I think it is the first time I have had such a cliche in a title spawning such a novelty in the text.
Best, 
tectak