01-29-2018, 03:34 AM
Hi alex.
Not a great title (for me),
this may be a bit glib but how about
'The Old Romantics' ?
I agree with ritwiksadhu33 about the opening line.
Are you trying to say
Time bends, promises made
when we were headlong and young,
deceive, as elusive light pools... ?
Do you need 'major' (the question
seems more plaintive without it).
Why 'within' rather than 'in'?
'timeless shadows' feels a bit over done,
(also, are the shadows Notre-Dame's or the
'nameless ghosts'?)
could you re-order as;
..................someone else. I wander
in Notre-Dame's shadow, among the nameless
ghosts, a wayfarer, far from home.
Do you need 'flings'? It rather diminishes
the line, I think (and it's a good line).
Also, shouldn't it be be either in or for 'the garret's..' ?
(As it stands it suggests they exchanged 'flings' for
the 'garret' - is this intended?)
'tears...scrapes' is better than earlier versions,
but I think you need something that contrasts
more directly with the carefree 'flings', you are
writing about the weight of responsibility, aren't you?
(and you could add an extra line to this verse).
I don't find the final verse convincing at all.
I'd suggest cutting it entirely.
To introduce a new character atthe end
undercuts all the good workyou've done
up this point.
Best, Knot.
Not a great title (for me),
this may be a bit glib but how about
'The Old Romantics' ?
I agree with ritwiksadhu33 about the opening line.
Are you trying to say
Time bends, promises made
when we were headlong and young,
deceive, as elusive light pools... ?
Do you need 'major' (the question
seems more plaintive without it).
Why 'within' rather than 'in'?
'timeless shadows' feels a bit over done,
(also, are the shadows Notre-Dame's or the
'nameless ghosts'?)
could you re-order as;
..................someone else. I wander
in Notre-Dame's shadow, among the nameless
ghosts, a wayfarer, far from home.
Do you need 'flings'? It rather diminishes
the line, I think (and it's a good line).
Also, shouldn't it be be either in or for 'the garret's..' ?
(As it stands it suggests they exchanged 'flings' for
the 'garret' - is this intended?)
'tears...scrapes' is better than earlier versions,
but I think you need something that contrasts
more directly with the carefree 'flings', you are
writing about the weight of responsibility, aren't you?
(and you could add an extra line to this verse).
I don't find the final verse convincing at all.
I'd suggest cutting it entirely.
To introduce a new character atthe end
undercuts all the good workyou've done
up this point.
Best, Knot.