wayward (edit 2)

[alonso ramoran]

inversion          title change is an improvement, imo                                                                


she recited this quote
out of a novel by emily autumn:

"you are a terribly real thing
in a terribly false world,
and that, i believe,
is why you are in so much pain"  


so... the ellipsis here is necessary, to me, because it separates dialogue from the narration and it adds tone to the person speaking
he said
and closed the book
let´s forget about wayward words for a while.
you
have become I would bring this line up with "you". I don't get its isolation and the tone feels forced.

a terribly false  thing

in a terribly real  world

which is why you scavenge the dirt
below your black-painted nails
and try digging a worm hole. I like this stanza, though I would take Leanne's advice on it


but... I like the ellipsis here, it shows the N in thought. 
i thought i touched on a blade,  on is unnecessary
left from this place,  
when the quote had not yet
inverted its sense

and then.. I'm not too fond of the ellipsis here.
i was at a loss,
in this time before words  
when there wasn´t a choice  

of which is illusion, 

when metal was hot    
and i felt it, too. No comma needed? Other than that I really like the ending

I don't think you need so many words in italics. The word choice and the way you use them should be enough. Italicization of which should be fine, if you must, since it's just a determiner.

if someone knows if the origin of this quote is really emily waywards novel (which i looked into and found it there but probably won´t really read the piece) or if that quote was translated from nietzsche or why google comes up with postcards attributing it to nietzsche or if it derives from a completely other context, i´d be pleased to know.

any type of critique and on + off-topic comment is welcome.

wayward 

so..
he said
let´s forget about nietzsche
and wayward words for a while
you
came to be
a terribly false thing
in a terribly real world
and that is why you are trying
to dig a worm hole.

but..
i thought i touched on a blade
and remembered this place
when the quote had not yet inverted its sense
and..
this time before words
when there wasn´t a choice
of which must be false
when metal was hot and cruel
and i felt it, too.

The poem is headed in the right direction. I'd be happy to see it's final draft. Thank you for the read

Best, Alex