01-23-2018, 01:09 AM
Hi Lizzie,
enjoyed this
(and more than happy to leave
the scriptural analysis to others).
In the beginning,
there was construction paper.
Not a fan of the title and first line being the same,
and would break line after 'beginning'.
I agree with Todd about describing the construction paper
(colour/texture/without form and void/whatever...)
The children said,
let us cut it into shapes:
triangles for alligator teeth,
ovals for panda tongues,
rectangles for orangutan feet.
enjoying the thought that the shapes and animals are arbitrary.
Color and water seeped into the paper,
from where?
while the crafter's sand remained
not sure what 'crafter's sand' is
on the surface.
There were sequins, buttons,
pom poms and pipe cleaners--
all separated from each other
in what space are they separated?
according to size and hue.
And the children longed
to end their loneliness,
'longed' and 'lonliness' - nice.
the disconnection between elements.
why not 'the elements'?
or 'segregation' for 'disconnection'
(which seems an odd word choice)?
So, the children said,
let there be glue,
would a parenthetical
(and there was glue)
be too much of an interruption?
enough to cover the whole earth.
We will join the trees–-
paper shapes to table, cabinets,
floor, and baseboard.
This seems a little confused to me.
(The leap from 'trees' to the rest
of the list)
It is not good
for them to be alone.
(Seems like there should be a
'they said' somewhere here)
And we will bind humans
(suggestion;
we will bind human to human,
together... ?)
together into one:
hand to hair, fingertip to palm
(could be a slightly - one element -
longer list, I think)
--sticky
like us. One likeness for each child.
Then they said,
let us cover our creations
in glitter.
Fabulous line.
I think you need to say how the 'covered...
(Joyously springs to mind) before the next line.
They saw that it was good,
(Shouldn't this be; 'And they saw... ?)
and reveled in their creations without rest.
(Purely personal, but I wanted them to
revel in their creations until bedtime,
but that's just me)
Really nice piece (Genesis 2.0, as it were)
Best, Knot.
enjoyed this
(and more than happy to leave
the scriptural analysis to others).
In the beginning,
there was construction paper.
Not a fan of the title and first line being the same,
and would break line after 'beginning'.
I agree with Todd about describing the construction paper
(colour/texture/without form and void/whatever...)
The children said,
let us cut it into shapes:
triangles for alligator teeth,
ovals for panda tongues,
rectangles for orangutan feet.
enjoying the thought that the shapes and animals are arbitrary.
Color and water seeped into the paper,
from where?
while the crafter's sand remained
not sure what 'crafter's sand' is
on the surface.
There were sequins, buttons,
pom poms and pipe cleaners--
all separated from each other
in what space are they separated?
according to size and hue.
And the children longed
to end their loneliness,
'longed' and 'lonliness' - nice.
the disconnection between elements.
why not 'the elements'?
or 'segregation' for 'disconnection'
(which seems an odd word choice)?
So, the children said,
let there be glue,
would a parenthetical
(and there was glue)
be too much of an interruption?
enough to cover the whole earth.
We will join the trees–-
paper shapes to table, cabinets,
floor, and baseboard.
This seems a little confused to me.
(The leap from 'trees' to the rest
of the list)
It is not good
for them to be alone.
(Seems like there should be a
'they said' somewhere here)
And we will bind humans
(suggestion;
we will bind human to human,
together... ?)
together into one:
hand to hair, fingertip to palm
(could be a slightly - one element -
longer list, I think)
--sticky
like us. One likeness for each child.
Then they said,
let us cover our creations
in glitter.
Fabulous line.
I think you need to say how the 'covered...
(Joyously springs to mind) before the next line.
They saw that it was good,
(Shouldn't this be; 'And they saw... ?)
and reveled in their creations without rest.
(Purely personal, but I wanted them to
revel in their creations until bedtime,
but that's just me)
Really nice piece (Genesis 2.0, as it were)
Best, Knot.