01-21-2018, 03:27 AM
Hi Kaily,
Unfortunately this was a pretty taxing read for me. Phrases are repeated, there's the use of incorrect grammar and punctuation (including an inconsistency in capitalization), and this feeling of the poem being way too long-winded. Repetition, for me, is fine in a poem if it's done where the reader's perspective changes each time they come across the phrase being repeated as the poem progresses. Repetition is done here in the mix of an extremely wordy composition. Not only that, but imagery is nearly absent; there's nothing that the reader can relate to. Overall, the poem comes across as venting, which is done to service the writer, not the reader. Also, too many "yesterdays" and "tomorrows", at one point I felt like the writer was deliberately trying to confuse the reader for kicks.
I'd suggest shortening the poem to the very source of what the narrator is feeling and adding something the reader can latch onto. Good luck with it.
Best, Alex
Unfortunately this was a pretty taxing read for me. Phrases are repeated, there's the use of incorrect grammar and punctuation (including an inconsistency in capitalization), and this feeling of the poem being way too long-winded. Repetition, for me, is fine in a poem if it's done where the reader's perspective changes each time they come across the phrase being repeated as the poem progresses. Repetition is done here in the mix of an extremely wordy composition. Not only that, but imagery is nearly absent; there's nothing that the reader can relate to. Overall, the poem comes across as venting, which is done to service the writer, not the reader. Also, too many "yesterdays" and "tomorrows", at one point I felt like the writer was deliberately trying to confuse the reader for kicks.
I'd suggest shortening the poem to the very source of what the narrator is feeling and adding something the reader can latch onto. Good luck with it.
Best, Alex