First Edit: Late Night Blues

[Knot]

Hi Richard.
Enjoyed this, some very nice lines
and a well drawn scene.

He doesn't know the time,
would suggest a line break here
but it's too late.
Breath stinking of lipstick,
do you need 'breath'?
buttons done wrong and missing,
I like the idea, but this seems
a very ugly sentence.
his feet move gently
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.
'gently' seems contradicted by
'lost any fear'

He smells his lover on his fingers,
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
really nice
he pretends to know.
Small suggestion;
he pretends he knows ?

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
I think this is a terrific image, though
I agree with Ellajam about 'tight'.
'Closed' or 'shut'?
There's a slight ambiguity as to whose 'eyes' they are.
I'd suggest jumping straight to;
[And] dreams of never waking up,
I think this is another really good line,
but I think the elaboration diminishes it.
It would also make for a stronger end I think.
(If you're set on the other lines,
then I'd suggest
He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.
He dreams of never waking up.)


(her true odor distant as dates they memorized
in their high school history class.
Very nice. I don't think you need this here
but definitely keep it for another piece.)

Best, Knot.