01-12-2018, 07:33 AM
(01-11-2018, 01:58 PM)AttnAttack Wrote: A poet learns how best to name the earth, "frame" instead of "name?" Just a thought.-------------------
the sea, the sky and all the beasts within it punctuation needed at end of line... colon, comma, semicolon, or em-dash to taste
if misery had followed from their birth "if" for "as if" is archaic and somewhat unclear - a two-syllable substitute for "misery" would allow the more modern "as if"
and gave the inspiration for their sonnets perhaps "them" for "the," and "each sonnet" for a more exact end-rhyme
adhesure strict to form and careful ear "adhesure" is a less common word than "adherence," which is closer in meaning (adhere to rules vs. physical adhesion); commas before "strict" and "and" could justify the inversion
becomes their life, their love, and close companion
assured that strife will always hold them dear could replace "assured that" with "assuring"
while lovers, family and friends abandon "whom" in place of "while" would give "abandon" a subject
And once you've started well in this career switch from impersonal to personal noted, a turn; comma at end of line here?
begin destroying all of your affections colon or semicolon at end of this line?
accrue egregious pain that draws you near
to that ascended state of lamentation difficult to perfect the end-rhyme here while maintaining the meaning - "vain perfections" comes to mind, or "height of lamentations." Em-dash at the end could bridge to the final couplet
you'll spend your days unlearning how to live
until your words are all that you can give closer needs more punch (and a period)... "all your ghost can give?"
In mild to moderate critique, please don't take the above too much to heart. It's a fine topic, and there are some original phrases here.
One thing that tripped up my picky little mind is punctuation/capitalization (or is that two things?) For example, the second quatrain should, strictly speaking, end with a period if the next line is capitalized... or the next line shouldn't be capitalized if there's no period.
In like wise, the near-rhymes probably only bother pedants - but could the work be improved by making them closer? Something to try.
The meter is very good, as is the turn at the final couplet. "Unlearning how to live" is nice. If you want a title, "A Sonnet of Poetry" or the like might do the job.
Good work here. Thanks for posting.
Non-practicing atheist

