First Edit: Late Night Blues

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard, I've been enjoying this, here are some thoughts:

Late Night Blues

He doesn't know the time, but it's too late.
Breath stinking of lipstick,
buttons done wrong and missing,
his feet move gently
like a tightrope walker who long lost
any fear of falling.
This opening strophe does a lot of work. For me it sets a reckless yet defeated state of mind. I particularly like the L4-6, it shines light on the habit of the behavior.

He smells his lover on his fingers, Doesn't even bother to wash his hands, nerve or numbness, effectively shows how deep in he is.
she has the scent of stardust
and other faraway bodies
he pretends to know.
These lines are lovely, the affectionate description and then the underlying hollowness.

He lies down next to his wife,
eyes tight as a casket covered in earth, not a fan of "tight", it takes a lot of energy to hold one's eyes shut tight and he seems more relaxed, or zombified. Maybe "sealed" or something better.
then he imagines
This break and white space doesn't work for me. Holding on to the scent of his lover makes me think he'd rather be there in his mind than home so when I pause to think about what he might imagine I am not led to the following strophe, which for me was unclear who was being referred to until the cheap soap.

her skin purple, teeth white
as florescent lights that drown him daily.
Her hair reeks of cheap soap,
her true odor distant as dates they memorized I like that he can no longer smell her truth.
in their high school history class.
Speaking of the couple as "they" throws me, he doesn't seem to think of them as a "they" anymore.

He dreams of never waking up,
tired of balancing between loveless and lovely,
ready for one last audible breath
from an audience ready to judge.

This close states too much for me, though I like the return to the tightrope. Possibly:
He lies between loveless and lovely,
balanced for one last audible breath (This line just because I want balance and breath closer)
from an audience ready to judge.

Just an example of how a cut there might strengthen the ending.

Thanks for the read, I hope my notes help a bit.