01-10-2018, 06:28 PM
An enjoyable piece, Wjames!
As noted by others there is a lot of interesting imagery and the pace of the poem is executed quite nicely by your choice of line breaks. I found the second stanza to be slightly stronger than the first. The lines are less packed, yet still just as impactful due to the concise word choices being used. It might be worth revising the first stanza to match this simplicity by removing excessive nouns that aren't adding much to the overall sensations that the poem is describing.
Also, a *tiny* note: using cinnamon twice within this short piece seems unnecessary. Although I understand it is being used to clarify "candles", I think simply saying "candles" is enough for the reader to link "cinnamon" to a few lines later. It also I think strengthens the connection being made between scent inhalation and physical pain.
As noted by others there is a lot of interesting imagery and the pace of the poem is executed quite nicely by your choice of line breaks. I found the second stanza to be slightly stronger than the first. The lines are less packed, yet still just as impactful due to the concise word choices being used. It might be worth revising the first stanza to match this simplicity by removing excessive nouns that aren't adding much to the overall sensations that the poem is describing.
Also, a *tiny* note: using cinnamon twice within this short piece seems unnecessary. Although I understand it is being used to clarify "candles", I think simply saying "candles" is enough for the reader to link "cinnamon" to a few lines later. It also I think strengthens the connection being made between scent inhalation and physical pain.