01-10-2018, 12:06 AM
Hi Kaily, welcome to the site! Let me give you some comments to consider.
[quote="Kaily Bear" pid='238200' dateline='1515480017']
Once upon a time there was a doll,
with cracked porcelain skin, sharp and fragile.--Be careful with the number of modifiers (cracked, porcelain, sharp, fragile) in this line. You already mention fragile in the title and you mention sharp two lines down. It's usually better to go with simple and unadorned and then expand. ("with cracked porcelain skin." would probably get you where you need to be).
Broken, the doll lived day to day just trying not to fall apart,--just is a throwaway word. I'm not saying it never has a place but it is often filler. The poem is usually better when you cut the filler. I also think that Broken is unnecessary.
but the pieces were sharp, and they hurt--This is a nice way to pivot from physical image to emotional pain.
Day by day she glued herself back together. Cracked but whole.--second use of day to day/day by day probably cut one.
But The world was cruel, and it found her broken once more.--again look for the phrasing you repeat and ask yourself if the repetition makes the poem stronger or strips some of the energy from it (cruel world below--which is slightly cliche in both instances--may be better to mix it up with something a tad less predictable).
Day by day she glued herself together again. Stronger than before.
Days turned to years, her fragile skin of porcelain
a carefully crafted shell of glue and broken shards
She used it like armor, for her skin was porcelain fragile.
One day the cruel world she knew changed.
The need for glue and armor was gone
Safe from fears of broken pieces,
others called for her to shed her armor
but she found it was deeper than her skin.
It crept into her cracks and glued her broken bits.
Broken and lost porcelain never found again,
Replaced with shards of hate and anger,
cemented with glue in the fragile porcelain.
[spoiler]
There are other areas that could be discussed but I don't want to overwhelm you in basic. I hope the feedback helps. I think the poem has good bones and would benefit from some selective cuts and rephrasing.
Again, welcome to the site!
Best,
Todd
[quote="Kaily Bear" pid='238200' dateline='1515480017']
Once upon a time there was a doll,
with cracked porcelain skin, sharp and fragile.--Be careful with the number of modifiers (cracked, porcelain, sharp, fragile) in this line. You already mention fragile in the title and you mention sharp two lines down. It's usually better to go with simple and unadorned and then expand. ("with cracked porcelain skin." would probably get you where you need to be).
Broken, the doll lived day to day just trying not to fall apart,--just is a throwaway word. I'm not saying it never has a place but it is often filler. The poem is usually better when you cut the filler. I also think that Broken is unnecessary.
but the pieces were sharp, and they hurt--This is a nice way to pivot from physical image to emotional pain.
Day by day she glued herself back together. Cracked but whole.--second use of day to day/day by day probably cut one.
But The world was cruel, and it found her broken once more.--again look for the phrasing you repeat and ask yourself if the repetition makes the poem stronger or strips some of the energy from it (cruel world below--which is slightly cliche in both instances--may be better to mix it up with something a tad less predictable).
Day by day she glued herself together again. Stronger than before.
Days turned to years, her fragile skin of porcelain
a carefully crafted shell of glue and broken shards
She used it like armor, for her skin was porcelain fragile.
One day the cruel world she knew changed.
The need for glue and armor was gone
Safe from fears of broken pieces,
others called for her to shed her armor
but she found it was deeper than her skin.
It crept into her cracks and glued her broken bits.
Broken and lost porcelain never found again,
Replaced with shards of hate and anger,
cemented with glue in the fragile porcelain.
[spoiler]
There are other areas that could be discussed but I don't want to overwhelm you in basic. I hope the feedback helps. I think the poem has good bones and would benefit from some selective cuts and rephrasing.
Again, welcome to the site!
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson