Eve

[tectak]

we met with ashen tongues at least begin with a capital letter, even though you may think the "message" in the piece so extraordinarily compelling...which I do not...as to not require correct grammar. I do not feel the compulsion to figure out if you don't because you cannot, or you don't because you think it is cute... 
keeping hushed the sins we lay If there is a reason for this guillotined enjambment I would like help in understanding just what you believe it achieves.  
thinking of.  then the night comes.  ....and so on, and so on. If you think that I am picky, wait until you write a decent piece of poetry. This won't do and it is insulting on the part of the character to presume that I or any other crit is prepared to waste time on it...so I will not. Joyeux noel.
See endpiece.
        — 'qu'est-ce que j'ai fait?'
'our visit'
            'ce bordel sur mon lit'

i received you on my knees

References: Love Song of Alfred Prufrock, T. S. Eliot
                    Paradise Lost, Book 10, John Milton

Not really sure that there is anything available in this which is worth offering up an acceptable, to the writer that is, critique. I suppose a salutary reminder that as this is in the "intensive" forum it is beholden upon the writer to make sure that such proofreading (or pruf reading), which surely has been done, throws up any obvious problems, so saving the crits from mundanity. What I am really saying is, if the writer believes that this is his best shot then there is little a crit can do. Please read it through. If you are intent on developing something from this short nothingness then please make it work. I am critical of the piece only because I cannot believe that the penning of it made you satisfied...I hope then, that you will be pricked in to perfection. Go on...you know you want to. Best, tectak