Eve

[vagabond]

we met with ashen tongues
keeping hushed the sins we lay
thinking of.  then the night comes.  
        — 'qu'est-ce que j'ai fait?'
'our visit'
            'ce bordel sur mon lit'

i received you on my knees

References: Love Song of Alfred Prufrock, T. S. Eliot
                    Paradise Lost, Book 10, John Milton

interesting image, those "ashen tongues".. exstinguishes thoughts of romance right from the start. you could write "our ashen tongues met" ("we met with tongues" sounds a little strange to my ears)
would prefer to read "we kept the sins we lay thinking of // hushed. then the night came." (consider past tense here to be consistent with the first line)
 i don´t get the point of "our visit"..  and, to be honest, the whole bordel situation. "i received you on my knees" makes me think the subject (not a customer then?)  is a woman..   i´d like it if the content were easier to understand, but anyway, others are probably able to get your story (which seems interesting, but not quite so to make me do homework and read all those references you gave in that quote).

maybe you could leave out the apostrophe´s, they are a bit confusing, especially "   'ce bordel ..  "  because french has already that much of them among the words. it´s clear enough that those lines are a conversation.
consider an exclamation mark after "ce bordel sur mon lit" .