She

[ellajam]

Hi, welcome to the site and thank you for the useful critiques you've already given others.

You've chosen a tough subject, very relatable but difficult to put a new spin on. For me you've got a mix of success and failure here. Some notes to think on:

She

She was the reason
for my jealous ways.
She was the reason
for my awestruck gaze.
I like the first two lines, they set the youth or at least emotionally underdeveloped state of the N, placing the onus of their response on their partner. For me the next two lines added nothing, and in addition set up a false pattern for the poem that I don't find adding much.

In the end that all faded
Away.
Far from anything
memorable.
I really like this strophe technically, the breaks are stong and useful in meaning and achieving the slower pace. Again though, is seems an immature view that any subject for a poem isn't memorable, in fact the N is remembering and analyzing. If that's your point, I got there.


Only separable.
I'm okay with the white space here.

Maybe it was just a first?
Until it became a Second,
Third,
Fourth.
I don't think you need the capitalization here, the breaks do their job.

Is it still considered pain
when hurt is everyday?
I think this could be said in a more interesting way.

What draws the dagger line
of a staggered mind,
Never again the same
after
the oxygen left my brain.
While I appreciate dagger/staggered the straight dagger line doesn't jibe with the zigzaging mind in a way that conjures a clear image for me. The next three lines are fun, again a slowing of pace. I would be tempted to bring "after" up but I think you might be right to have it as is.

What I could have been.
What I should have been.
Excuses are all I'm left with
inside this scarred mind She left Me with.

I'd prefer, again, dropping the capitalization again and breaking after "me". But I find the whole last strophe lackluster, a big meh. I'm sure you can do better.

So, you've used some techniques successfully, others not so much. It's clear you've put thought into it but I don't think you're done. I hope you find editing on the site as much fun as I do.