A Softening of Bitter Season

[nibbed]

Hi nibbed.  

I think that the new ending is better, much better in fact. Using surrender to winter as a theme, perhaps invoking notions of surrender to aging/death, the particulars tie in nicely. A few notes:

1st Revision

Soften the Season


Pumpkins lose neighbors
as Autumn's porch mums
enter sanctuary's warmth: -- I don't see the point of the colon over just a plain ole' period. So, the first three lines are lovely imagery, and very haiku like. I think you need to loosen up the wording a bit though -- here you have three words each line (excluding "as") and it's very compact. Then the rest of the poem just goes on about the business of being a regular poem, and it's almost like you started writing haiku and decided to expand on it. What I'm saying is that the cadence of the first stanza doesn't match that of the rest.


desk and hearth
welcome their easy pots,
holding for themselves -- do you need, "for themselves"? Maybe another verb besides hold that's a little stronger.
crowds of silken
bursting crowns

whose stalks
tiptoe and stretch, searching
for generous sun; -- I like the personification of all these things

kitchen hints
a proven stove
done in wafts 
of yesterday's porridge -- this was the stanza that I didn't understand. What is the kitchen hinting at? I think you mean that there are hints of the scent of yesterday's porridge. I think that "done" is the wrong word here, and the placement of "a proven stove" (which I like for the nod to rustic, country living as well as for its contribution to the theme aging) splits up the thought too much like my parenthetical just did to this sentence.

while well worn woolens 
find revivals in fluff: -- I like these two lines, nice visuals and sonics

early preparations -- preparations are early by nature, are they not? I think you can just say preparations.
to the full surrender -- for the full surrender
of winter.

So, you've got some good things going on in here. I'd recommend using longer line lengths for this piece. In general, shorter line length makes the reader move quickly through the poem and induces a feeling of tension. Here you want longer lines that encourage the reader to linger like the plants and the kitchen scents want to linger, slowly winding down into a comfortable end. If I'm reading your intent properly, that is....

Hope this helps some.

Lizzie

Thanks Lizzie, for taking the time to consider my poem. I actually had forgotten about this, must be because I put fall behind me. Making the lines longer will be a challenge, but I agree it will make the poem better. I like your suggestions and will soon be finishing a revision.  I almost typed resurrection instead of revision! hahaha. Have a wonderful night!


nibbed