12-15-2017, 04:23 PM
The alliteration scattered throughout the poem pleases me. Whether or not you did this intentionally doesn't matter, for it gives a sense that this is your natural way of speaking. Therefore, I find the alliteration to create a great lip feel while reading the poem, as well as provide musicality to the poem while not becoming obsessed with the particular poetic device.
I'd be curious to read this poem after you work out the very few kinks I came across. I stumbled while reading the second stanza of 'Ferris Wheel'. Since you say "my nose", it confuses me to then read "it's friendship" in the next line. Maybe say "and I'm reminded...". This would also eliminate the double usage of "it's" in the same line. While they mean different things, they sound the same. Since I don't think that particular repetition stems from poetic choice, but rather necessity, I think it should be reworded in order to promote a smoother line. You later come back to say "my frozen nose", so I think it would be nice to have the nose consistently be in your possession, and not suddenly take on its own point of view for a split second.
I enjoyed reading this. Reminds me of childhood vacation flings. I especially enjoy the second stanza of 'Lollygagging'. I can take the image you gave and use it to prompt my own imagination.
I'd be curious to read this poem after you work out the very few kinks I came across. I stumbled while reading the second stanza of 'Ferris Wheel'. Since you say "my nose", it confuses me to then read "it's friendship" in the next line. Maybe say "and I'm reminded...". This would also eliminate the double usage of "it's" in the same line. While they mean different things, they sound the same. Since I don't think that particular repetition stems from poetic choice, but rather necessity, I think it should be reworded in order to promote a smoother line. You later come back to say "my frozen nose", so I think it would be nice to have the nose consistently be in your possession, and not suddenly take on its own point of view for a split second.
I enjoyed reading this. Reminds me of childhood vacation flings. I especially enjoy the second stanza of 'Lollygagging'. I can take the image you gave and use it to prompt my own imagination.