Pleading With an Ibid's Hem (formerly The Golden Bullet), edit 1

[Lizzie]

Wonderfully insightful crits by all and an edit considerate and worthy of them. Well done.

Thanks Tiger.

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Hi Lizzie,
I think this is much improved (despite the fact that I am baffled by the title ),
but I do think you could be a bit more 'brutal' in your editing.

L4        perhaps 'defying' for 'flouting?

L5        I think you could do better than 'like', maybe 'stiff' or 'strong' or 'unripe'?
L6        I don't think you need either 'with' or 'and'
            a marching band, no music, no routine
L7         perhaps 'just' for 'with'?

L11       the repetition of 'eyes' and 'time' weakens this line, I think.
           (consider 'duration' perhaps?)
            Like the introduction of 'conductor' to tie-in with 'no music'
L15/16  could tighten these lines
            mouths slung open, slack
            as when a mind abandons consciousness

S4        this is a bit weak (comparatively) due to the repetitions of 'no' and 'or'
            which don't seem to be as emphatic as one might expect.
            Also, what warning does N give?
            Aren't 'sign from Yahweh' and 'rainbow' synonymous?

L20       I think the repetition of 'they' and the contraction weakens this line.
            'Did not' would be stronger.

Best, Knot.

Thanks for coming back to it, Knot. I'll give it another look in a couple of weeks when I can come to it with fresh eyes, and I will carefully look at all these points. Thanks again.

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So, this is probably thin commentary for mild, but I think declaring it a dream (especially right off the bat) ruins the whole. It produces an eye roll and an “oh well” from your audience. How much stronger would it be if you trusted your reader?

We'll find out. Thanks for the read, milo.

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Ibid. It's an abbreviation you use in writing when you are needing to list multiple references from the same source.

Yes, it does mean that. Although, I must confess something: I'm using it in the Good Will Hunting sense, the scene where he's defending himself in court. I don't even know if this is a legit usage, but I'm going with it.