12-14-2017, 03:52 AM
Thank you for the poem,
The heart of your poem had me reading it over and over. It puts me in a meditative space when I read it and I can almost picture it. I think you could make it even stronger with the suggestions you've got here.
the two suggestions I will give are removing sentence fragments and comma splices from your last two stanzas.
The future is for you to see,
you'll have what you want, all that you need.
The future is for you to see;
You'll have what you want,
All that you need.
in the second case, there is a contraction of it is that would avoid the sentence fragment but would make it confusing as to what the 'it' is referencing. Is 'it' referencing sorrow or the night?
The dark and deep night above,
there is no sorrow, it's everything you love.
the dark and deep night above,
there is no sorrow,
is everything you love.
again, thank you for the experience and I hope you continue getting better,
The heart of your poem had me reading it over and over. It puts me in a meditative space when I read it and I can almost picture it. I think you could make it even stronger with the suggestions you've got here.
the two suggestions I will give are removing sentence fragments and comma splices from your last two stanzas.
The future is for you to see,
you'll have what you want, all that you need.
The future is for you to see;
You'll have what you want,
All that you need.
in the second case, there is a contraction of it is that would avoid the sentence fragment but would make it confusing as to what the 'it' is referencing. Is 'it' referencing sorrow or the night?
The dark and deep night above,
there is no sorrow, it's everything you love.
the dark and deep night above,
there is no sorrow,
is everything you love.
again, thank you for the experience and I hope you continue getting better,