12-12-2017, 09:21 PM
Hi Alex,
like the work you've done on the giant's stanza.
Would just suggest changing 'belting-out about' to 'belting-out ballads' (or similar).
As far as the format of the first stanza and the indentation goes, your reasoning makes sense,
but I wonder if the change occurs just a bit too early in the piece?
Here's a cut and paste suggestion for S1.
Sailing to Tawnydale
[W]here, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
[and ]squirrels scurry in those knobby boughs gold
and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop.
Some respond with mocking laughter through
bulbous cheeks and end up choking. The trees
simply sigh a chilly breeze of resignation.
[which blows] the sweetgum balls, acorns,
crinkly leaves and pine needles
[about the] muddy footprints, [that] are
deep and dragon-made.
Best, Knot.
like the work you've done on the giant's stanza.
Would just suggest changing 'belting-out about' to 'belting-out ballads' (or similar).
As far as the format of the first stanza and the indentation goes, your reasoning makes sense,
but I wonder if the change occurs just a bit too early in the piece?
Here's a cut and paste suggestion for S1.
Sailing to Tawnydale
[W]here, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
[and ]squirrels scurry in those knobby boughs gold
and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop.
Some respond with mocking laughter through
bulbous cheeks and end up choking. The trees
simply sigh a chilly breeze of resignation.
[which blows] the sweetgum balls, acorns,
crinkly leaves and pine needles
[about the] muddy footprints, [that] are
deep and dragon-made.
Best, Knot.