Pleading With an Ibid's Hem (formerly The Golden Bullet), edit 1

[Knot]

Hi Lizzie,
I think this is much improved (despite the fact that I am baffled by the title ),
but I do think you could be a bit more 'brutal' in your editing.

L4        perhaps 'defying' for 'flouting?

L5        I think you could do better than 'like', maybe 'stiff' or 'strong' or 'unripe'?
L6        I don't think you need either 'with' or 'and'
            a marching band, no music, no routine
L7         perhaps 'just' for 'with'?

L11       the repetition of 'eyes' and 'time' weakens this line, I think.
           (consider 'duration' perhaps?)
            Like the introduction of 'conductor' to tie-in with 'no music'
L15/16  could tighten these lines
            mouths slung open, slack
            as when a mind abandons consciousness

S4        this is a bit weak (comparatively) due to the repetitions of 'no' and 'or'
            which don't seem to be as emphatic as one might expect.
            Also, what warning does N give?
            Aren't 'sign from Yahweh' and 'rainbow' synonymous?

L20       I think the repetition of 'they' and the contraction weakens this line.
            'Did not' would be stronger.

Best, Knot.