12-10-2017, 03:15 AM
I think It's deceptively profound.
Before cities we drew our meanings from constellations
then we made cities and artificial light
which made us drowsy
and now when we see those lights
they represent our hopes and dreams
and now when we see those constellations
they remind us unconsciously of simpler times.
Unfortunately It's addled with errors, rendering it more of an abstract telling than a poem. I think you need to clarify more than anything, because if you can't explain to yourself precisely what you're trying to say, you'll end up smashing words and images together, which isn't always a bad thing if you can do it 'well,'
(and because poetry relies so heavily on structure and form, such a well can and does indeed exist.)
In the meantime, I recommend rewriting this poem several times on paper. Ask yourself what you're trying to say, and ignore everything else. Write it out as a sentence if you have to. The more you know about something, the likelier you are to find connections elsewhere to make the poem more engaging.
It looks like you're trying to contrast a primitive human dream to a contemporary achievement or something like that.
It seems to me to be a rather optimistic poem.
"Your beautiful mind takes you further away,
to a distant place you can't explain."
This makes me think of that unclear place in our minds responsible for the thoughts and feelings to which we assign the various symbols of language
"The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain."
There is indeed something very poetic about people and their relationship with nature - but what is it that you've observed, I wonder?
Constellations are just stars arranged in a way we saw patterns in, so maybe you're saying that people can find beauty in anything.
Perhaps It's not such an optimistic poem after all, since that seems to drift more into absurdity.
I look forward to seeing where you take this piece.
Go with clarity.
Before cities we drew our meanings from constellations
then we made cities and artificial light
which made us drowsy
and now when we see those lights
they represent our hopes and dreams
and now when we see those constellations
they remind us unconsciously of simpler times.
Unfortunately It's addled with errors, rendering it more of an abstract telling than a poem. I think you need to clarify more than anything, because if you can't explain to yourself precisely what you're trying to say, you'll end up smashing words and images together, which isn't always a bad thing if you can do it 'well,'
(and because poetry relies so heavily on structure and form, such a well can and does indeed exist.)
In the meantime, I recommend rewriting this poem several times on paper. Ask yourself what you're trying to say, and ignore everything else. Write it out as a sentence if you have to. The more you know about something, the likelier you are to find connections elsewhere to make the poem more engaging.
It looks like you're trying to contrast a primitive human dream to a contemporary achievement or something like that.
It seems to me to be a rather optimistic poem.
"Your beautiful mind takes you further away,
to a distant place you can't explain."
This makes me think of that unclear place in our minds responsible for the thoughts and feelings to which we assign the various symbols of language
"The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain."
There is indeed something very poetic about people and their relationship with nature - but what is it that you've observed, I wonder?
Constellations are just stars arranged in a way we saw patterns in, so maybe you're saying that people can find beauty in anything.
Perhaps It's not such an optimistic poem after all, since that seems to drift more into absurdity.
I look forward to seeing where you take this piece.
Go with clarity.