12-09-2017, 10:47 PM
Hi Lizzie.
The dream began as they always do:
Bit lost on 'they'.
familiar dread, unfamiliar place—
it would be interesting if you could rework this
so that 'unfamiliar' directly followed 'familiar'.
children with the names I gave them
and ages that make no sense in logical time.
no sure about 'logical time', but if you went with
'linear time' it would also play with the next line.
Nice scene setting.
Men stood in rows like solemn corn,
could 'like' be switched with a modifier? (e.g. 'stiff'?)
like a marching band with no routine and no music,
do you need the second 'like' at all?
only Paul Ryan's slicked black All-American hair,
agree with ellajam about 'only'
Obviously it's your dream, but would 'each one had Paul...' work?
navy blue fitted suits, and placid eyes that followed
strong images through this stanza, works well.
the bullet gleaming golden overhead,
would switch gleaming golden.
the way that kittens fix on a wiggling string.
the bullet, presumably, has an essentially straight-line trajectory,
a wiggling string does not. You give the 'men' a somnambulistic quality
which does not fit with a kitten tracking string.
Their faces showed no fear,
would like a bit more detail on their faces.
Are they also Ryan-esque? Are they all the same face?
no judgment, no signals of thought,
just a silent ------wow------
and mouths slung open the way they slack
when the mind abandons consciousness.
apart from the last line (nice, by the way), this is
a rather weak section of the piece.
'No signals of thought/mouths open...slack/abandons conscious' -
all basically synonyms. No real/interesting images.
There was no covenant,
or sign from Yahweh—
no prepared ark.
They never looked down or to the side,
so they didn't see us wash away.
Get lost on the last two stanzas, I'm afraid.
Rather like the bullet, they seem to come out of nowhere.
Not sure what to make of the title.
Enjoyed the read
Best Knot.
The dream began as they always do:
Bit lost on 'they'.
familiar dread, unfamiliar place—
it would be interesting if you could rework this
so that 'unfamiliar' directly followed 'familiar'.
children with the names I gave them
and ages that make no sense in logical time.
no sure about 'logical time', but if you went with
'linear time' it would also play with the next line.
Nice scene setting.
Men stood in rows like solemn corn,
could 'like' be switched with a modifier? (e.g. 'stiff'?)
like a marching band with no routine and no music,
do you need the second 'like' at all?
only Paul Ryan's slicked black All-American hair,
agree with ellajam about 'only'
Obviously it's your dream, but would 'each one had Paul...' work?
navy blue fitted suits, and placid eyes that followed
strong images through this stanza, works well.
the bullet gleaming golden overhead,
would switch gleaming golden.
the way that kittens fix on a wiggling string.
the bullet, presumably, has an essentially straight-line trajectory,
a wiggling string does not. You give the 'men' a somnambulistic quality
which does not fit with a kitten tracking string.
Their faces showed no fear,
would like a bit more detail on their faces.
Are they also Ryan-esque? Are they all the same face?
no judgment, no signals of thought,
just a silent ------wow------
and mouths slung open the way they slack
when the mind abandons consciousness.
apart from the last line (nice, by the way), this is
a rather weak section of the piece.
'No signals of thought/mouths open...slack/abandons conscious' -
all basically synonyms. No real/interesting images.
There was no covenant,
or sign from Yahweh—
no prepared ark.
They never looked down or to the side,
so they didn't see us wash away.
Get lost on the last two stanzas, I'm afraid.
Rather like the bullet, they seem to come out of nowhere.
Not sure what to make of the title.
Enjoyed the read
Best Knot.