Heavenly Refinement

[nibbed]

Hi Mopkins. Thank you for taking the time to critique my poem,
I know it was long and tedious. I appreciate your attention to it.


neato title - everything is in an alchemical process                                -it's a bit freaky, I'm still not used to it
I

The sky split that day
when He reached down
and gently took her up.

(neato - sure it'll be the earth that splits and the other bloke for me)   -doesn't have to be

All that was left
was stiff and lanky, an empty shell
for others to manage.

(mmm... little unsure what to visualise here - maybe a cone type shell, but that's add odd shape for a person - got me thinking about cicada skins or maybe a mantis - if they did that -lanky for me implies legs that bend at the knee and stride along, i thought perhaps 'brittle/cemented/starched?")
                                                                                                                                         -she appeared more lanky than stiff, I imagine she was stiff
My mind went adriftin', (punct adriftin' does it need an apostrophe or hyphen)                   I didn't poke her, just held her hand, stroked her hair,
even though I knew                                                                                                             it's just something I see in my head, looking back,
she's now better-than-ever:                                                                                                 it's something I can't ever unsee.

an Irish girl, old from the smoke
with grayish, green, sea-glass eyes, (greyish)                                                                        thank you, yes
muted and smooth,
(agreeable mmms gggs ssses)

now she's twinklin' her shiniest
burst o' life, peridot marbles;
(had to stop and think whether it was her life or her eyes that sparkled)                               maybe omitting comma will help

none of us can see them, not here in this arena
where we start out strong and end up weak,
always sweaty-wrestlin' Light vs. dark.
(wot, poor old dark doesn't get a capital)                                                                               -nope! hahaha

Her tangled tiara of thick grey fuzz hasn't room
for even a memory in that residence of Light,
where everything stays fresh
and crowns earned will be happily thrown:

(noice)

no sin, rust, or moths can gobble anything up;
there's no fear, no trippin' on rugs, no broken hips,

today she's springin' a jig, crystal River Dancin', bouncin'
curly locks whose energies gleam brighter
than the smiles of hungry villagers watchin'
wagons heap in golden wheat.


Her wrinkles melted away, warm honey, boastin'
cheek's freckles, she once hated,
now win grandest pageants
against the glitterin' shimmers of angels' faces.

(grandest pageants is a little odd)                                                                                           -I was struggling here, too
II


I got reeled in last night with a special gaffe.
Pulled from my wanderin' afar on a Melville raft,
"Better to sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian".
It made me laugh, then reminded me, I am neither.

(neato)

I wonder sometimes
when God reaches down
His Shepherd's stick,
(stick may be better as crook)

what does His staff look like to Him?
Does it sparkle like snow,
gently shoot warm points of Light
that it might gently nudge us in love?

(nah you're almost smothered in his hand and warm to the core and all his bliss had seeped in)  -ty

My Heavenly Father, He fluffed
all my pillows last night, tucked me in,
whispered thunders through a young preacher
hidden in reserves, unswayed by man's religiosity:
(noice booming fluffy wwws and uuua and sssses and ttts)

"And ye shall seek me,
and find me, when ye shall search for me
with all your heart."
(hmm caps for god?)




Inspired by God's Word
Jeremiah 29 KJV



pretty groovy - imho it's the tunnel thats illusory, not the light at the end noice read

thank you kindly, mopkins
have a wonderful evening

-nibbed

---

Hi nibbed,
some general thoughts.
You've got two voices here, and I think you'd be better off with just the one.
There's the voice of contractions (e.g. S3, S9, S10, S11 - which works very well), and the voice without (which is less interesting). It's almost in a dialect, but not quite.
S4 - would have liked to have read, 'greyish, green[ish] eyes...
S11 - Gaffe - should be gaff.
      - you don't preclude for the possibility that you are a sober cannibal.
S13 - two 'gently' (you don't really need the first)
Not entirely convinced by the tone of the final two stanzas.
Do you know to whom N is speaking? It doesn't need to be explicit, but if you've got it in your mind then it might help maintain the voice/tone.

Best, Knot.

I kind of wanted to make a transition of the refinement from I to II, but it must not have made quite enough impression.
Yes, greyish does sound better, thank you.
Good golly I have been spelling gaff wrong FOREVER! Thank you so much!
I will have to weigh the gently and see what you mean, likely you are correct, thank you for finding that. I like to think the narrator may be speaking to folks who have suffered loss, likely believers, who understand a bit about a place called heaven, and those who are aware of the Refiners Fire.

Knot, thank you so much for your kind, thorough, and thoughtful critique. I hope you find many blessings tonight!


-nibbed