Pleading With an Ibid's Hem (formerly The Golden Bullet), edit 1

[ellajam]

Pretty scary. A strong piece, some comments:

The dream began as they always do:
familiar dread and unfamiliar place,
children with the names I gave them
and ages that make no sense in logical time.
I like familiar/unfamiliar and the next two lines put me firmly in the dream mix of skewed reality.

Men stood in rows like solemn corn, love this strong image.
like a marching band with no routine and no music,
only Paul Ryan's slicked black All-American hair, "only" is a bump for me, possibly "all with" or something else.
navy blue fitted suits, and placid eyes that followed
i think the enjambment works well but I'm not a fan of how the white space after it gives a longer pause.

the bullet gleaming golden overhead,
the way that kittens fix on a wiggling string.Saying kittens/fix then wiggling/string is a bit awkward for me, though I like the image and can easily apply the line to the men.
Their faces showed no fear,
no judgment, no signals of thought
just a silent ------wow------ I'm still on the fence with wow, it doesn't quite jibe with their blandness.
mouths slung open the way they slack
when the mind abandons consciousness.

There was no covenant,
or sign from Yahweh—
no prepared ark.

They never looked down or to the side,
so they didn't see us wash away.

Thanks for the interesting read, good luck with it.