12-09-2017, 04:47 AM
Wow, massive thanks to all who have commented on this, sorry not been back it kinda snuck up on me without me realising I had so much feed back, anyway lots of common themes so easy to target the improvements I hope
@Vagabond x2....Yes, he need more clarity, but its him that is in crisis not the doors. I thought 'pass it on' was more like a note going round the classroom so changed title and others based on others feedback
@Alexorande....Thanks, I like your suggested stanza split and agree with the borderline cliche.
@Wjames.....I like the suggestion for another specific issue and to cut holding on, also very pleased you got the movement of the doors matched with her hand, author intended.
@nibbed....Thanks, not sure how I could work this into an extended metaphor its pretty full on but glad you liked S3 good to now what works.
@knot.....I like the suggestion of shuffling S1 and reworking S4 into S2 format. Thanks
@Leannne.....Like the idea of cementing an image onto issues, thanks for 'centre' and a list could work I will see what works out.
@flagthrower.....Hi, thanks for commenting you raise some interesting questions, so by way of some explanation, she was smacking the hell out of her baby, hense the insensitvity, this actually happend and yes there were many people aware of the socioeconomic tensions as they walked right past her, but beating a child or worse, a baby, in the UK is illeagal so I stopped her and asked her what she thought she was doing, she had no answer and shot off as quickly as she could and he followed her without even looking back or saying a word. I still worry about that child. I took out a stanza from this, that I might put back in, it didnt make much sense but in my mind it was the things people were saying as the walked past.
Take it away at birth,
tubes should be tied,
can’t even look after themselves,
who the hell shagged her.
shouldn't be allowed to have a child.
@KYPunk.....Thank you and welcome, I explain above how she reacted to being grabbed, I agree with the sailboat being disconnected, i was trying too hard to be fancy.
Thank you all for spending time on this I will digest your comments further and come back for an edit. best Keith
@Vagabond x2....Yes, he need more clarity, but its him that is in crisis not the doors. I thought 'pass it on' was more like a note going round the classroom so changed title and others based on others feedback
@Alexorande....Thanks, I like your suggested stanza split and agree with the borderline cliche.
@Wjames.....I like the suggestion for another specific issue and to cut holding on, also very pleased you got the movement of the doors matched with her hand, author intended.
@nibbed....Thanks, not sure how I could work this into an extended metaphor its pretty full on but glad you liked S3 good to now what works.
@knot.....I like the suggestion of shuffling S1 and reworking S4 into S2 format. Thanks
@Leannne.....Like the idea of cementing an image onto issues, thanks for 'centre' and a list could work I will see what works out.
@flagthrower.....Hi, thanks for commenting you raise some interesting questions, so by way of some explanation, she was smacking the hell out of her baby, hense the insensitvity, this actually happend and yes there were many people aware of the socioeconomic tensions as they walked right past her, but beating a child or worse, a baby, in the UK is illeagal so I stopped her and asked her what she thought she was doing, she had no answer and shot off as quickly as she could and he followed her without even looking back or saying a word. I still worry about that child. I took out a stanza from this, that I might put back in, it didnt make much sense but in my mind it was the things people were saying as the walked past.
Take it away at birth,
tubes should be tied,
can’t even look after themselves,
who the hell shagged her.
shouldn't be allowed to have a child.
@KYPunk.....Thank you and welcome, I explain above how she reacted to being grabbed, I agree with the sailboat being disconnected, i was trying too hard to be fancy.
Thank you all for spending time on this I will digest your comments further and come back for an edit. best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out