12-09-2017, 02:06 AM
Hi nibbed,
some general thoughts.
You've got two voices here, and I think you'd be better off with just the one.
There's the voice of contractions (e.g. S3, S9, S10, S11 - which works very well), and the voice without (which is less interesting). It's almost in a dialect, but not quite.
S4 - would have liked to have read, 'greyish, green[ish] eyes...
S11 - Gaffe - should be gaff.
- you don't preclude for the possibility that you are a sober cannibal.
S13 - two 'gently' (you don't really need the first)
Not entirely convinced by the tone of the final two stanzas.
Do you know to whom N is speaking? It doesn't need to be explicit, but if you've got it in your mind then it might help maintain the voice/tone.
Best, Knot.
some general thoughts.
You've got two voices here, and I think you'd be better off with just the one.
There's the voice of contractions (e.g. S3, S9, S10, S11 - which works very well), and the voice without (which is less interesting). It's almost in a dialect, but not quite.
S4 - would have liked to have read, 'greyish, green[ish] eyes...
S11 - Gaffe - should be gaff.
- you don't preclude for the possibility that you are a sober cannibal.
S13 - two 'gently' (you don't really need the first)
Not entirely convinced by the tone of the final two stanzas.
Do you know to whom N is speaking? It doesn't need to be explicit, but if you've got it in your mind then it might help maintain the voice/tone.
Best, Knot.