12-08-2017, 08:47 AM
She stood in front of the pram
repeatedly smacking ---- "smacking" seems like a severe word choice. what is she smacking? her lips? her baby?
into an unseen cry.
Greasy hair and dirty clothes
her body moved in a way
that hinted at issues ---- "issues" is a bit insensitive as a word choice. It implied a level of judgement that maybe you didn't intend?
and sheltered housing.
No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center,
watching the automatic doors
in crisis. --- not sure about this line. it seems like the doors would be a point of stability here, and could be a metaphor for closing off or opening up. blocking the outside from in.
I caught her hand
holding on at the wrist,
she came back from behind her eyes, --- this is the strongest line. implies hope.
a sail boat emerging from a storm. ---- perhaps a more nuanced metaphor here??
Its nappy was full
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same?
Overall I liked this poem. But I am confused about the perspective, its seems as if this women is a stranger. why should the person speaking need to give advice to the child or the mother? It could work but make sure you are aware of the underlying implications of class-gender-socioeconomic tensions.
repeatedly smacking ---- "smacking" seems like a severe word choice. what is she smacking? her lips? her baby?
into an unseen cry.
Greasy hair and dirty clothes
her body moved in a way
that hinted at issues ---- "issues" is a bit insensitive as a word choice. It implied a level of judgement that maybe you didn't intend?
and sheltered housing.
No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center,
watching the automatic doors
in crisis. --- not sure about this line. it seems like the doors would be a point of stability here, and could be a metaphor for closing off or opening up. blocking the outside from in.
I caught her hand
holding on at the wrist,
she came back from behind her eyes, --- this is the strongest line. implies hope.
a sail boat emerging from a storm. ---- perhaps a more nuanced metaphor here??
Its nappy was full
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same?
Overall I liked this poem. But I am confused about the perspective, its seems as if this women is a stranger. why should the person speaking need to give advice to the child or the mother? It could work but make sure you are aware of the underlying implications of class-gender-socioeconomic tensions.