Learned behavior
#6
(12-05-2017, 09:39 PM)Keith Wrote:  She stood in front of the pram
repeatedly smacking
into an unseen cry.
Greasy hair and dirty clothes
her body moved in a way This line and the preceding have some connective issues for me... maybe could use a comma or something
that hinted at issues "issues" could be stronger.
and sheltered housing. This is nice, maybe change issues above to another specific issue like this.

No eye contact or opinion,
he was somewhere else
shrinking into the shopping center,
watching the automatic doors
in crisis. Nice, I like how the automatic doors in crisis sort of echos the repeated smacking of the first stanza. 

I caught her hand
holding on at the wrist, Could cut "holding on" and lose nothing imo.
she came back from behind her eyes,
a sail boat emerging from a storm. Nice

Its nappy was full
clothes covered in sick,
how could I explain what a child needs
to a mother that needed the same? I don't like the ending... I think it would be stronger ending on the previous stanza. This ending sort of feels like something Oprah would say.
I really like the title, interesting poem, I enjoyed it.
Reply


Messages In This Thread
Learned behavior - by Keith - 12-05-2017, 09:39 PM
RE: Pass it on - by Mopkins - 12-05-2017, 11:20 PM
RE: Pass it on - by Keith - 12-06-2017, 03:00 AM
RE: Pass it on - by vagabond - 12-06-2017, 03:38 AM
RE: Pass it on - by alonso ramoran - 12-06-2017, 06:28 AM
RE: Pass it on - by Wjames - 12-06-2017, 12:33 PM
RE: Pass it on - by nibbed - 12-06-2017, 01:14 PM
RE: Learned behavior - by Knot - 12-08-2017, 12:23 AM
RE: Learned behavior - by vagabond - 12-08-2017, 05:36 AM
RE: Learned behavior - by Leanne - 12-08-2017, 05:51 AM
RE: Learned behavior - by flagthrower - 12-08-2017, 08:47 AM
RE: Learned behavior - by KYPunk - 12-08-2017, 02:59 PM
RE: Learned behavior - by Keith - 12-09-2017, 04:47 AM
RE: Learned behavior - by Radetof.Yahska - 12-23-2017, 07:38 AM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!