At dusk

[Mopkins]

At dusk
the leaves are bending.
(hmm bit bleakly dim, maybe a colourful sunset reference or autumn leaves or somesuch - but you have a nice wee bit of bbeees and eees... r the leaves bending in the fast/slow breeze? burdened by snow? dew? rain? we need some reason for the bending bits and some kind of light dawning/setting over the horizon to add a bit of colour i fink...)


They are fading away.
(huh? as in into the distance at slow/fast/light speed? fading to bleachedness? dying slowly of decrepancy? wot u mean huh?)
The light they are closing.
(hmmm intriguing.... as in red curtains on stage? a door to tomorrow morning? finished the end of the book of hours? the store? the bar? i fink it needs furvur explaining)

Under the ground
I won't be.
(well, it's all very good to be positive, but defying death is only for avatars afaik so far, perhaps a date, such as 'under the ground/i won't be/today'

hmm not bad not bad but you need to be less haiku, more sylvia plath or so, but nice pondering on the meaning of it all, cheers for the rebirth