12-01-2017, 02:25 AM
Hi Richard,
this seems to have moved quiet far from the original emotionally.
For me there are still problems with the title, and 'for friends' in L2.
A light would only be left on for someone who mattered to the narrator,
do you really need to spell it out? (Readers might want the light to be left on for a child
or a lover and 'friends' stops them reading themselves into the narrative.)
Door closed once more, this seems to me to be a very large departure from the original.
In earlier versions the narrator seemed to be hoping/expecting someone to return,
'closed once more' suggests that that is no longer the case.
On the plus side, the structure:
1(title)-3-3-1
looks/works very well.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot
this seems to have moved quiet far from the original emotionally.
For me there are still problems with the title, and 'for friends' in L2.
A light would only be left on for someone who mattered to the narrator,
do you really need to spell it out? (Readers might want the light to be left on for a child
or a lover and 'friends' stops them reading themselves into the narrative.)
Door closed once more, this seems to me to be a very large departure from the original.
In earlier versions the narrator seemed to be hoping/expecting someone to return,
'closed once more' suggests that that is no longer the case.
On the plus side, the structure:
1(title)-3-3-1
looks/works very well.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot