11-27-2017, 12:18 AM
Hey Mopkins,
lot of fun, enjoyed the read.
If this intended as a song then the chorus is fine, but read as a poem it is rather intrusive and would work better as a coda.
Suggestions/comments below, hope they're of some use.
Best, Knot
Don't Develop Allergies
i ate too much fairy floss
and ended up possessed
by one of the wee folk
who got stuck inside my chest
kept coughing in enchantment
burping up brownies
vomiting wings and things
and drooling out blarney
the flow seems a bit awkward in these last four lines
just a suggestion.
I kept coughing up enchantments
and burping fudge brownies
was vomiting wings and things
and drooling out blarney.
went to see the druid
So went to see the druid?
he gave me holly boughs
'who' instead of 'he'?
at least that's what i thought they were
i smoked them anyhow
regurgitated puffs of smoke
not too keen on 'smoke' so soon after 'smoked'
perhaps,
regurgitated puffs and palls ?
which exorcised my chest
smoked the remaining holly boughs
another 'smoked' and repeating 'holly boughs'
and forgot all the rest
'all the rest' of what? - looks like this is just here for the rhyme.
just a suggestion
chained one jolly green after another
and soon forgot 'bout all the rest
don't develop allergies
they're really quite unseemly
and the pills you pop to calm the rash (do you mean 'rush'?)
[may] make you very dreamy
side-effects are serious
[to be] consider[d] carefully
[Know] what you scoff might get you off
but [can] confuse your clarity
then i ate too much dairy
became considerably cheesy
got literate intolerance
burped up lactose lyrics breezy
This doesn't work that well for me after the 'chorus',
it feels like you've missed a line (as it were).
Just a suggestion:
Then I got me the munchies
need for dairy overwhelmed me
developed literate intolerance
and belched lactose lyrics breezy.
my throat burned with apostrophies
perhaps 'choked' rather than 'burned' (leaves 'heartburn')
i had half-rhyming heartburn
the anti-acids that i took
gave me trouble in discerning
'discerning' - this doesn't quite work grammatically
i quoted creamy quatrains
and yodelled yoghurt yearnings
screamed unseemingly for icecream
(unseemly screamed for icecream?)
my digestive system churning
my tummy rumbled rustic rhymes
my toosh trumpeted tunes
the air was so thick and hazy
i hallucinated out the room
'out the room' makes little sense - is that deliberate (or slang?).
...
i next nurtured nut allergies
perhaps 'sensitivity' for 'allergies'?
probably because i'm one
the contraction breaks the rhythm
there went all the rocky road
seems a bit too close to the 'dairy' stanza
and snickers bars at once
this rhyme is too weak, disrupts the flow.
crisis- creating coconuts
afflictions from all almonds
weirdness from wrinkly walnuts
perhaps 'wrongness' rather than 'weirdness'?
plonked the peanuts into ponds
this line doesn't really fit with the previous three
bitterly bought no betal nuts
consumed no more cashews
buried bags of brazil nuts
set the macadamias loose
very nice line.
hauled a heap of hazelnuts
hurtfully to the trash-heap
tow 'heap's in two lines.
and home-brewed all the chestnuts
quaffed, queasy quantum leap
suddenly a pun? Quantum Leap is an old 'chestnut?
Or have I misunderstood?
...
my sires scoffed shovels of seafood
Plural? How many 'sires' does N have?
which oozed with iodine
i broke out in red rashes
in spots i had never seen
bought no more barramundi
abstained from abalone
believed bass to be blasphemous
nice line
gutsed globs of salmagundi
collected no more crabs to crumb
cast no more nets for crays
gave up gobbling gropers ('groupers' ? - unless this is something else entirely
)
got no more kicks from stingrays
my burning blistered bits
defied calamine lotion
perhaps 'calming' before 'calamine'?
[Then I ] accidently ate sardines
and leapt in[to] the cosmic ocean
...
...
lot of fun, enjoyed the read.
If this intended as a song then the chorus is fine, but read as a poem it is rather intrusive and would work better as a coda.
Suggestions/comments below, hope they're of some use.
Best, Knot
Don't Develop Allergies
i ate too much fairy floss
and ended up possessed
by one of the wee folk
who got stuck inside my chest
kept coughing in enchantment
burping up brownies
vomiting wings and things
and drooling out blarney
the flow seems a bit awkward in these last four lines
just a suggestion.
I kept coughing up enchantments
and burping fudge brownies
was vomiting wings and things
and drooling out blarney.
went to see the druid
So went to see the druid?
he gave me holly boughs
'who' instead of 'he'?
at least that's what i thought they were
i smoked them anyhow
regurgitated puffs of smoke
not too keen on 'smoke' so soon after 'smoked'
perhaps,
regurgitated puffs and palls ?
which exorcised my chest
smoked the remaining holly boughs
another 'smoked' and repeating 'holly boughs'
and forgot all the rest
'all the rest' of what? - looks like this is just here for the rhyme.
just a suggestion
chained one jolly green after another
and soon forgot 'bout all the rest
don't develop allergies
they're really quite unseemly
and the pills you pop to calm the rash (do you mean 'rush'?)
[may] make you very dreamy
side-effects are serious
[to be] consider[d] carefully
[Know] what you scoff might get you off
but [can] confuse your clarity
then i ate too much dairy
became considerably cheesy
got literate intolerance
burped up lactose lyrics breezy
This doesn't work that well for me after the 'chorus',
it feels like you've missed a line (as it were).
Just a suggestion:
Then I got me the munchies
need for dairy overwhelmed me
developed literate intolerance
and belched lactose lyrics breezy.
my throat burned with apostrophies
perhaps 'choked' rather than 'burned' (leaves 'heartburn')
i had half-rhyming heartburn
the anti-acids that i took
gave me trouble in discerning
'discerning' - this doesn't quite work grammatically
i quoted creamy quatrains
and yodelled yoghurt yearnings
screamed unseemingly for icecream
(unseemly screamed for icecream?)
my digestive system churning
my tummy rumbled rustic rhymes
my toosh trumpeted tunes
the air was so thick and hazy
i hallucinated out the room
'out the room' makes little sense - is that deliberate (or slang?).
...
i next nurtured nut allergies
perhaps 'sensitivity' for 'allergies'?
probably because i'm one
the contraction breaks the rhythm
there went all the rocky road
seems a bit too close to the 'dairy' stanza
and snickers bars at once
this rhyme is too weak, disrupts the flow.
crisis- creating coconuts
afflictions from all almonds
weirdness from wrinkly walnuts
perhaps 'wrongness' rather than 'weirdness'?
plonked the peanuts into ponds
this line doesn't really fit with the previous three
bitterly bought no betal nuts
consumed no more cashews
buried bags of brazil nuts
set the macadamias loose
very nice line.
hauled a heap of hazelnuts
hurtfully to the trash-heap
tow 'heap's in two lines.
and home-brewed all the chestnuts
quaffed, queasy quantum leap
suddenly a pun? Quantum Leap is an old 'chestnut?
Or have I misunderstood?
...
my sires scoffed shovels of seafood
Plural? How many 'sires' does N have?
which oozed with iodine
i broke out in red rashes
in spots i had never seen
bought no more barramundi
abstained from abalone
believed bass to be blasphemous
nice line
gutsed globs of salmagundi
collected no more crabs to crumb
cast no more nets for crays
gave up gobbling gropers ('groupers' ? - unless this is something else entirely
)got no more kicks from stingrays
my burning blistered bits
defied calamine lotion
perhaps 'calming' before 'calamine'?
[Then I ] accidently ate sardines
and leapt in[to] the cosmic ocean
...
...