11-26-2017, 11:24 PM
Hey Alex.
I think most of the latest revisions are pretty much spot on (details below),
but I think you need to take a closer, more careful look at the gnome/knights
verses. These don't work very well at all (for me).
Perhaps they should be completely separated.
In the original you had
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop
in and out of burrows big as pumpkins; they
seldom talk with anyone.
Which is a nice opening that you could develop.
What do these gnomes do? Why are they hopping 'in and out'?
And, how big is a pumpkin?
Similarly, the idea of knights roaming the countryside on a quest
(not for the holy grail) but for anyone to talk to, is, I think,
intrinsically funny. And it is something I think you could make much more of.
I'd also suggest putting the verse about knights before that of the gnomes
(so even if they don't meet, you could have the knights riding by in the background
whilst the gnomes go about their business unaware)
Among the sweetgum balls, acorns,
crinkly leaves and pine needles
are muddy footprints,
deep and dragon-made.
Really good, meaning works and the sonics are excellent.
(Why is it formatted as it is?)
There, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
squirrels scuttle within knobby boughs gold
Not quite there yet ('within' is wrong), try something like;
Squirrels scramble among knobby boughs of gold (or golden boughs)
and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop.
Would suggest 'slow oaken...'for the sonics and the contrast
with the movement of the squirrels.
Some respond with mocking laughter through
bulbous cheeks and end up choking. The trees
If 'some respond...' what are the rest of them doing?
simply sigh a resigned chilly breeze.
another improvement.
...
Couple furlongs from those woods,
This works, though it probably should be 'A couple of...'
bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise
livestock and tend farms, would ask
their scarecrows how they're holding up
and feed them cool leftover okra stew—
made with everything sown beneath the sun
(Perhaps this should be;
made with everything they've sown beneath the sun)
and a never-setting harvest moon.
East of Lake Honeygill,
stars stumbled drunk and fell upon
the overlooking ochre mountains laughing
excellent change (love the detail), though perhaps 'giggling'
(or similar) for 'laughing' - would work better with 'drunk'.
where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming with the night's festivities.
(why is no-one singing here?)
I was in my room, drawing pictures of you.
From my desk, throughout the sun's ascent,
I heard the buzzing noise that sounded like
(probably 'a buzzing' rather than 'the')
a lawnmower cutting grass.
Best, Knot
I think most of the latest revisions are pretty much spot on (details below),
but I think you need to take a closer, more careful look at the gnome/knights
verses. These don't work very well at all (for me).
Perhaps they should be completely separated.
In the original you had
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop
in and out of burrows big as pumpkins; they
seldom talk with anyone.
Which is a nice opening that you could develop.
What do these gnomes do? Why are they hopping 'in and out'?
And, how big is a pumpkin?
Similarly, the idea of knights roaming the countryside on a quest
(not for the holy grail) but for anyone to talk to, is, I think,
intrinsically funny. And it is something I think you could make much more of.
I'd also suggest putting the verse about knights before that of the gnomes
(so even if they don't meet, you could have the knights riding by in the background
whilst the gnomes go about their business unaware)
Among the sweetgum balls, acorns,
crinkly leaves and pine needles
are muddy footprints,
deep and dragon-made.
Really good, meaning works and the sonics are excellent.
(Why is it formatted as it is?)
There, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
squirrels scuttle within knobby boughs gold
Not quite there yet ('within' is wrong), try something like;
Squirrels scramble among knobby boughs of gold (or golden boughs)
and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop.
Would suggest 'slow oaken...'for the sonics and the contrast
with the movement of the squirrels.
Some respond with mocking laughter through
bulbous cheeks and end up choking. The trees
If 'some respond...' what are the rest of them doing?
simply sigh a resigned chilly breeze.
another improvement.
...
Couple furlongs from those woods,
This works, though it probably should be 'A couple of...'
bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise
livestock and tend farms, would ask
their scarecrows how they're holding up
and feed them cool leftover okra stew—
made with everything sown beneath the sun
(Perhaps this should be;
made with everything they've sown beneath the sun)
and a never-setting harvest moon.
East of Lake Honeygill,
stars stumbled drunk and fell upon
the overlooking ochre mountains laughing
excellent change (love the detail), though perhaps 'giggling'
(or similar) for 'laughing' - would work better with 'drunk'.
where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming with the night's festivities.
(why is no-one singing here?)
I was in my room, drawing pictures of you.
From my desk, throughout the sun's ascent,
I heard the buzzing noise that sounded like
(probably 'a buzzing' rather than 'the')
a lawnmower cutting grass.
Best, Knot