11-24-2017, 04:59 AM
(11-24-2017, 02:20 AM)Persadia Wrote: First revision:You'll want to put this edit above the original version in the main post, or people may not see that you've made an edit and critique the wrong thing.
Open the door, a room crammed with furniture.
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond.
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on and off furniture.
Voices scolding, arms crossed tight.
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear. Do I sacrifice a life?
Open the doors, tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Warm smiles, arms spread wide in welcome greetings.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light.
Glasses clinking, cozy fire crackling.
Smells of roast beef and fresh baked bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is mine.
Also....I wouldn't say 'do I sacrifice a life,' when the context is a dinner gathering. Not trying to be funny, but it takes things in a cannibalistic direction for me.
It makes the reader search around too much for the meaning, and there are many options.

